First Night

Well, last night was certainly a milestone.  I went out with the Holy Trainer still on and was fine all evening, even though there was some bicycle riding involved.  Absolutely NOT time trialing, mind you, but casual path riding at slow pace to get to dinner.  Not a problem.

The real news is that I kept the device on over night.  It was no problem getting to sleep, and I woke up around 5:00 a.m. very aroused.  But NOT in pain!  That's a HUGE milestone.  The fact that I could feel the hydraulics trying to do their thing and not NOT having my equipment ripped from my body was a new sensation.  I'm not saying it was entirely pleasant, but I was well assured -- for the first time wearing a device in this situation -- that no actual damage was being done to my body.

As a side note, I'm also able to use a urinal, something that's impossible with the CB series.  There's so much room in the tube with the CB design that the fluid flows all over the place inside before seeking every exit -- including out the back -- under pressure.  It's a mess.  With the HT, though, everything is snug and in place, so the critical exit point is lined up with the hole in the end of the device.  It's like not wearing anything.

I'm kind of stuck at home today waiting for a delivery for which I must sign, but if I can go for a run in the morning without removing the HT, then this could be the device I've been looking for, a real game changer.

But then all of my excuses will be gone.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Excited and terrified at the same time.  I think how I feel at any given moment has a lot to do with the person I imagine handing control of my keys.

More to come soon.

New Toy!

My problems with the CB-6000 are well documented here, but the most significant have been:  cracking of the plastic during extended wear, bulk and fit while participating in endurance sports, and inability to keep the device on during a nocturnal erection.  These problems limited the usefulness of the device for being locked up by someone who controls the key.  So the emotional connection that chastity can provide was not really possible.

About a week ago, based on a friend's good experiences, I ordered a Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.  It seems to be a significant leap forward in design and construction over previous "trapped ball" devices.  All of the reviews pointed towards a wearable and durable device that was hygienic and comfortable for long-term wear.  The device arrived today.  Yes, I'm wearing it now. 

My first impression is that it is very much more comfortable than the CB line, mostly because the ring that keeps it on (which fits snug against the torso) is a single piece that is curved to be anatomically correct.  This means it can be smaller in diameter and still not pinch, bind, or cut off blood circulation.  The plastic feels much sturdier which allows the material of the ring to be thinner, too.  I understand it is at least as durable as the CBs, though, so maybe the cracking problem is solved.  There may still be a "break in" period, but I suspect not as much as I'm accustomed to... that can sometimes take a week.  But if the comfort holds up, I'll try to run in it, a huge barrier currently to extended wear.

The tube is much smaller than the CB, which is a great thing for profile and comfort.  I'm wearing an old pair of jeans, and where the CB would have been bulky and in the way, the HT is just slightly in the way.  I can almost completely close my legs together before I feel it.

I'll have to wear it for a bit before I really understand its strengths and weaknesses, and it could take weeks of tweaking to really get the hang of it.  Only time will tell if I can make it through difficult nights in this thing, but some reviewers say that the design makes this possible.

This is the first time I've felt like I have even the slightest chance of being locked up for more than two or three days.  That is making me consider what I really want out of a relationship with a Keyholder and how long I really want to give up control.  I am finding as I sit here, though, that I am wishing the keys were not in my hands.  That's truly frightening.  And hot.  And frightening.  And hot.

I'm sure there will be more posts soon.  Life is a journey, and I'm enjoying this part of mine.

Asides and Experiments

I've been locking myself up more often, trying to get used to wearing my CB for longer periods of time.  The intent has been to get to the point that I can wear it long term.  The actual wearing has been successful so far, but that is mostly just an aside.

The Aside

I have learned that anatomically, I'm not ideal for this sort of thing.  It can be done, it's just not easy.  My "range of states" is quite broad, so flaccid to erect is about a 6x growth in length and 2x in diameter.  When nature kicks off that process, it becomes a hydraulic nightmare trapped in a flimsy plastic container.  Comfort in one state is incompatible with the other.

At the same time, experiments with base ring sizes -- the part that goes snug against the torso and keeps the whole kit in place -- shows that small and medium-sized rings cut off nourishing blood flow from the dangly bits.  I need a larger ring.  This means that the whole contraption is less snug and more able to slide in ways that are painful.  Ow.  This would explain why I have such problems with nocturnal wear.

Feature Functionality

Just for kicks, I've been using a site called keysafe.  This has a set of features to allow keyholders and device wearers to interact with varying levels of control over locking mechanisms.  The control spans from "honor system" to safes that are connected to the Internet and report any tampering or unauthorized access.  It's a very hot idea.

One feature is designed for wearers without a keyholder, I suspect a majority of the site's users.  This is a virtual keyholder who will provide authority over your key according to parameters you set at any level of security including full control of your automated safe.  One parameter is whether or not other site users can vote for the virtual keyholder to increase or decrease your time locked.

Experience

I decided to lock myself away and turn authority over to the virtual keyholder.  A couple of hours later, someone I never met voted to increase my time locked.  Then someone else did the same thing.  And another.  These are people I have never interacted with, don't know, and can't even tell much about from their profiles.  It was both self-professed "Dominants" and a locked guy, too.  No comments, no introductions, no explanation, just voting to increase.

To say that I was scratching my head over this is understating.  I finally posted a note asking if this was the site's way of saying "hello."  One person responded that, hey, yeah, I guess it is.  I mean... WHAT?!

Verification

There is another feature of the site that verifies that accounts claiming to be women really are women.  (Apparently, they do this via a one-time video chat.)  As anyone who has been around online D/s knows, most "Dommes" -- particularly those demanding money -- are men, so this is a welcome feature.  But very few of the female profiles on the site are verified.

This begs the question:  if someone expects me to go through the discomfort and discipline and annoyance of being locked up, why can't they take a moment to get verified?  One answer is obvious:  they're not who they say they are and couldn't pass even the lowest verification bar.  But if they are who they present, then it's even worse... they can't be bothered.  So why even consider them to be "Dominant?"

Next Steps

I'm still interested in learning and playing with this, but there are a few things running through my mind:
1)  The fantasy of months-long lockup is not my cup of tea.  Days to build up frustration for a bonding experience, and I'm all in.  Denial just for the sake of it would have to have a very serious relationship layer to make it worth while.  And there are negative health issues with long-term lockup.
2)  The relationship is everything.  I can see being in a power-only relationship to some extent, but the control of sexuality and containment of neediness along with the desperate vulnerability it brings speaks to a bond, not just a manipulation.
3)  There is another device I may try before long to see if the limitations mentioned above are device-specific or can be overcome with better design.
4)  Unfortunately, I'll be doing some traveling for a while.  At least at first, I won't be able to be locked up a lot.  The schedule is unclear, but this is an unforeseen wrinkle.  I'm sure I'll roll with it somehow.

So, more learning and more figuring out.  This is a nice and private way to experiment and play.  I've even met some people who may be interested in something a little more real-time.  Oh, no... not real!  Haha.

Rant on Writing

Sloppiness in writing is just another way to say "I want each and every reader to fix the mistakes that I'm too lazy to notice or correct."  Either that or it's the author's way to say "I want the world to know how ignorant I am and I want to make a permanent record of that fact."

The three most common mistakes in writing -- including captioning -- and how to fix them:

"Woman" is a single individual (singular); "women" is more than one (plural).

"Dominate" is an action (verb) where something is being done, such as "she liked to dominate her subs."  "Dominant" is either a description (adjective) such as "she has dominant tendencies" or a title / address (noun) such as "she is a dominant."

An apostrophe is NEVER used to make something plural (meaning more than one).  "She has three sub's" is wrong, Wrong, WRONG!!!  "She has three subs."  An apostrophe shows ownership.  "Her sub's attitude is nice."  (Attitude is something that belongs to the sub.)

If those three very simple rules were followed (even if the few exceptions were missed), the quality of writing on The Internet would go up dramatically.  It really isn't hard.  Three rules.  Just three.  Of course, one must care about readers and have some self respect to care about such things.

END RANT (for now)


Note:  Cross-posted on Tumblr.

Old Yearnings, New Forrays

I've mentioned chastity so many times that both of my readers are likely getting tired of it.  If this describes you (or you, the other reader) then you might as well tune out now.  And not just for this post.  I'll be talking a bit about this for a while.

You see, I'm diving into a medium-scale experiment to dig deeper into what this is all about.  I've gone four to five days locked up in my CB-6000 before, and I do enjoy the emotional roller coaster, the sexual frustration, and the intensity of the drawn-out experience.  It's not something I'd like forever, mind you, but for a time, it's exciting.  There are aspects and angles I want to dive MUCH deeper on.

Solving Problems

There have been barriers in the past, and I'm searching for ways beyond them.  Some items I have had trouble dealing with in "the real world" -- and which never seem to come up in fantasy portrayals -- include:

Sleeping

Eventually nocturnal "activity" wakes me up in extreme agony.  This has threatened enough damage to sensitive orbs that I've called it off for this alone.  I'm trying a smaller ring to see if that helps keep things where they belong.

Exercise

I'm a cyclist and a runner.  Wearing a cage can be difficult for running, nearly impossible for cycling.  Since I'm a Time Trialist, the flat-back position is a non-starter for wearing anything "down there."  But I'm not riding much these days.  If I keep to running, wearing a device may be something that I can be acclimatized to over time.  I will have to give up the customary triathlon shorts for running since they hide NOTHING.

General Lifestyle

Having to sit down to urinate can be limiting since men's bathrooms are not set up for this.  Often there's only one stall, so it can be difficult to navigate the day.  Good thing I kicked the caffeine habit so I don't need to go fifteen times a day.

Shaving smooth and wearing a ring that holds everything in place is step one, and I'm already past that.  I'm test wearing the CB right now, increasing the time each day.  My hope is that in a couple of weeks I can stay locked up all day and night.  Then things start getting more interesting.

Next Steps

I'm looking around for a key safe.  If you aren't aware of how this works, the wearer of a chastity device puts the keys in a safe that can only be opened with remote permission.  The mechanism for this can vary, from needing the 8-digit combination, to someone else actually triggering the electromechanical locking mechanism via a command over the internet.  There are varying degrees of security, from viewing through a webcam to light, motion, and tamper sensors built into the safe.  Of course, the cost varies along with the sophistication and security; $50 to almost $600.  I'm playing at the $50 level right now.

The web site http://keysafe.org is where I have a profile right now, though if someone else has other options, I'd love to hear about it.  The site allows connecting with a keyholder and allowing them to control your keys (via the safe).  There are other features, too, but that's the gist.

I do want to find out more about what happens to me psychologically when I have been locked for a while.  I think I'll get very accommodating towards my keyholder.  It scares me a little thinking about the extent to which that might be true.  I'd better be careful choosing the individual to whom I turn over that power.  Haha.

I'm looking forward to this side-journey into play.  I'll keep both of you posted on how it goes and what twists and turns I go through along the way.

Self respect and being "Dominant"

Note: This is cross-posted from my journal on Collarspace.com (ID: Quietlisten). I wrote it to be deliberately incendiary to see if ANYTHING can cut through the shockingly thick matted tangle of dreck that permeates every bit of that site. I thought I'd drop it here just so I could hear from more thoughtful people. I didn't soften it to for a more rational audience, though.


--- snip ---


Do "dominants" expect submissives to respect them more than they do themselves? Many, many do. Here are a few signs of self respect:

1. Not smoking. Anyone who claims to be dominant and smokes either has no will or no brain. I'll let the individual smoker pick their excuse. Smoking is expensive suicide that damages others along the way.

2. Fitness. Eat right and exercise. Shut up with the fad diets and the excuses. Nobody is responsible for your body but you. I can tell at a glance if someone has messed-up personal priorities simply by their physical condition. What you think you're worth is reflected in your level of fitness. We all get 24 hours in a day. Some use that well. Some watch TV and eat crap.

3. Financial Security. Granted, "security" in today's world is difficult, but making stupid decisions, spending on stupid things (like cigarettes), and not building towards financial independence (i.e. saving) makes you financially dependent and subservient to others.

4. Truth. Admitting mistakes, taking responsibility, and digging for the truth sets one free from the tyranny of self deception and lying.

5. Compassion. I get that some dominants are sadistic, but being so without compassion is the definition of a sociopath.

Most "dominants" I have met are not dominant at all. In fact, many are just insecure, mean, and thoughtlessly uncompromising. They find in "the lifestyle" convenient cover for neuroses and weakness, and they prey on those who are desperate to please and may have their own psychological problems.

Why would a self-possessed, successful, and capable submissive serve someone who doesn't respect themselves? No idea. This one doesn't.

I've probably pissed off both people who will read that list. Someone may feel a need to "straighten me out" on some or all. But that won't change the facts. We all suffer temporary lapses on one or all of those points. But in my opinion, fundamentally giving up on points of self respect is equivalent to giving up on claims of being "dominant." Conquer yourself before you go after others.

I honestly wish there were more people who demonstrated more self respect.

QL

Eye Candy

In a previous post titled "Attractive," I posited that it may be possible for men to be packaged and presented as sex objects for the enjoyment of women.  I also bemoaned the reluctance of women to partake of such opportunities openly.  For the sake of mental exercise and thought experiment, I'm going to assume that such women exist and most are merely hiding behind blush and titter to remain socially acceptable.  That may be a horrible assumption, but it allows me to continue on with my thought experiment.

First, let me state -- as I did in the previous note -- that while I do play with cross dressing at times, I'm more "gender fluid," living 98% of the time at the very masculine end and drifting along a continuum away from masculinity to varying degrees, almost never attempting to "pass" as female.  I'm not talking about cross dressing here, though since women have access to any and all fashion, any movement away from strictly masculine is going to end up in female territory in short order.  In addition, women already inhabit the arena of sexual display that I'm targeting, so it's natural that much, if not most, of what I contemplate here was created for women.

Also, I'm not talking about re-writing social norms around clothing.  When I consider these opportunities for expression, my thought is that they take place in very small and intimate private gatherings.  This isn't a treatise on changing corporate dress codes or even club culture.  But if I can help people to imagine something a little different at a 20-person social at a person's home, or a visit to a small play party, then that would be a lovely start.

So what are the elements of sexual "packaging" that I'm talking about?  It shouldn't be a surprise:  tight and revealing clothing, shiny and thin fabrics, lifting and separating, trussing up and shaping, exposure and vulnerability, sacrifice of comfort for visual appeal.  Women take these things as granted.  To men they are alien.

There are (wonderful) differences between men and women, of course.  Men don't need support or even coverage in the chest area, but we don't have that wonderful and bedazzling decolletage to display under the thinnest possible guise, either.  While women are encouraged to enhance their "assets" -- even taking on elective surgery to gain the most visual advantage -- men typically are expected to completely hide their equipment.  But isn't it more empowering for women if they can glance at a man and see how he stacks up?  She can determine for herself what her preferences are and priorities, but there is power in having the information available with no personal risk or investment.  At this point, I'm going to set aside the "Ew, that's gross" sentiment as an artifact of patriarchy dutifully perpetuated by some and ask only the grown-ups to continue.

Another huge difference is that men are hairy.  As my mind wanders away from my grunting masculinity, I develop a desire to shed some of this fur, to enjoy the sensuality of slick and smooth skin.  This is not easy to achieve and is even harder to maintain.  I'm going to accept it as possible for the moment, though, in order to move the image forward.  I have accomplished it in the past and practice it daily with my scalp and face.

While surveying the world for sources of fashion that could be adopted for the uses I've outlined, I ended up with several fashion items to start with:

Hot Shorts:  Brief and tight shorts that cover everything (tightly), but not by much.  The defining feature is an almost complete lack of leg covering, no more than 1" inseam.  Styles cut too low may not leave room for a guy's "equipment."  Preferred if there are no pockets and no zips or buttons.  Metallic and bright colors attract attention.  Obviously, if the shorts are tight enough, underwear would be out of the question and a bit of an affront to the concept.

Transparent, Semi-transparent, or Mesh Tops:  Taking advantage of men's flatter chest and lack of social restriction on visibility of male nipples, being vague or half-hearted about coverage actually turns maleness into an advantage for self display.  Transparent latex could work well, as well as gauzy and shimmery fabrics.  Anything structured to separate breasts -- underwires, halters, triangle tops, etc. would look more like cross dressing than male display.

Propped Foot:  This is one I have not figured out.  Stilettos are solidly into female fashion, and guys rarely look attractive in them.  A wedge or chunk may be better.  Defining the legs and ass is a wonderful effect, as is the vulnerability of being stood up on toes.  But men are already taller than women, so this could be a bit of overkill.  Any ideas on this would be appreciated.  What to do about the shoooooz?!

Accessories:  As a submissive, I love the idea of classy collars and cuffs.  The thin metal style -- stainless steel, for example -- would look amazing in this mode, more like "locking jewelry" than a heavy shackle.  "Trailer hitch."  (Look it up.)  I do think that a VERY small amount of carefully considered eyeliner, mascara, and clear lip gloss could be a nice addition, though I'm not a fan of full makeup on men.  It typically looks like stucco over ancient leather.  Very small amounts, though, could be beneficial accenting.  Thinning eyebrows would be a very good idea.

Notice the preference for no pockets.  One key feature to make this enjoyable to the wearer is to have no way to hide, no place to put nervous hands, and no ability to carry wallet, money, ID, keys, etc.  I like the idea of putting an exclamation point behind the word Vulnerable!

In searching for these elements, I've found a handful of examples of the ideas well implemented.  Again, these are modeled by women because the male market is, maybe, two people including me.  But insert your favorite shaved submissive guy into the images:

Simple and clean look, could be accentuated with nude-colored hose?

Love this whole look... wet and slippery and nothing hidden.

Nice top that hides nothing.  Time to get my nipples pierced?

Those are some general ideas.  I've discussed these thoughts with a couple of Dommes who generally like the idea in theory.  It's one of those things that could work or bomb, depending on implementation and the energy thrown off by the wearer.  It also absolutely demands physical fitness on the part of the guy being "packaged."  No beer gut or man breasts would be even slightly tolerable here, another delicious reversal for a guy to find himself in.

This is not a "manly" look.  In fact, it's exactly the opposite, which is part of the reason I like it so much.  The idea is to be pleasing and pleasant, sexually vulnerable and submissive.  Some women may like having such guys around, though the attraction may or may not be purely animal.  Other women may feel empowered by a guy taking on this role.  Still others might hate the idea, feel threatened or be offended.

I would really like to hear from women about a few things:
1)  Do you like the concept of some few males being presented as eye candy for the enjoyment of women?  (Some men may enjoy guys dressed like this, too, which is fine... but that's another discussion.)
2)  Which elements of the proposed fashion do you find appealing?  What could be changed to enhance your enjoyment?
3)  Do you have ideas towards the general goal that might "fill out" the concept a bit more?  What would titillate you if you found a guy wearing it at a social engagement of kinky people?

Please help me flesh out these thoughts.  I'd like to make an attempt to bring it to reality at some point, and the more information I have from others to balance out the fantasy in my own head, the more enjoyable it will be for everyone.

In the mean time, I'll keep looking for ways to smash assumptions and wreck social convention... but in the most polite possible way.

QL