Giving It A Go

Sometimes you just have to give ideas a whirl.  This is particularly true when you are the only one on the planet who thinks it may be a good idea.  Maybe that's just when it's the most fun.

I exposited at length in my post titled Eye Candy that I thought it would be nice to adopt and adapt some of the more enjoyably submissive attributes of femininity without trying to look like a woman or giving up my own identity.  I mused about the possibility of tossing gender convention to the wind and simply enjoying parts of me that are not appreciated by others.

As a reminder of the attributes I am trying to incorporate into this "look:"

1.  Tight-fitting and revealing clothes that present the wearer as a blatant sex object.  LOTS of skin showing, and little left to the imagination, every curve defined and open to public scrutiny.

That "little left to the imagination" part is taken to the extreme of not hiding ANY part of the anatomy.  In fact, showcasing it as specifically NOT being hidden.  I'm not trying to weird people out here, just experimenting with the same kind of attitude that society routinely takes with women's bodies.  Oh, and using shiny and metallic fabrics should add an exclamation point behind the statement.

2. Using cut and material to make the body above the waist "technically" covered, but entirely visible.

3. No pockets or place to hide hands, wallet, or other objects.  This leaves the wearer psychologically and functionally "nude."

4. Shoes that are not overtly female (stiletto heel, for example), yet do have a feminine feel to them.  A slight prop to the back of the foot can shape calves, quads, and butt to make a more pleasing image.

5. Tasteful touches of submission, such as a thin steel collar and/or cuffs.

6. Very, very careful use of cosmetics, perhaps a touch of lip gloss or mascara to highlight without looking "made up."  This is a tough one and very much based on personal taste.  It can go a long way to melt any remaining machismo.

Over the past couple of days, I've been making progress on the purchasing front, and I hope to get started in earnest with the presentation experiments over the coming weekend.  There is still much to do.  But what I have started with is partially represented on this page:

- Metallic workout shorts, high-waisted and very little inseam, tight-fitting and stretchy metallic dance shorts, and shiny disco shorts are all on their way to my home.

- Two mesh tops (one with the chest exposed) are on order.

- Dainty wedge heel leather oxfords should arrive soon, too.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be shopping for some additional items.  I think that nipple clamps joined by a light chain would look great under the mesh top.  Also, thin steel wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar would look fantastic, cast the wearer solidly (and pleasantly) into a totally submissive role, and provide great utility for the use of Dominants.*  These are extraordinarily expensive, though, so if anyone knows where they can be found at a reasonable price, please let me know.

So it's going to be an "interesting" weekend.  I'll let both of my readers know how it goes and if any of this meets my rather steep expectations.  There is a lot of work to do -- for example, hair may look horrible in specific places -- but I've been thinking about this for a long time.  It's time to stop thinking and start playing.

Anybody have any thoughts or ideas?  Am I missing anything obvious?  Thanks for reading.  I'll be posting soon, I'm sure... so long as the mail is running somewhat on time.

* For ultimate "utility," why not add some sort of a tasteful leg garter strung with half a dozen small oval carabiners that could be used by a Domme to connect two or more cuffs/collar?

Attractive

One of the things I like about the BDSM community is that its members tend to be a bit more socially open-minded than the norm.  It certainly is not the case that "we are open minded and 'they' are not."  There are plenty of supremacists of various stripes within "the community" and far too many who believe that they know the "one true way."  The "typical person" is also more open minded than they are usually given credit for, even if it's in a whatever-floats-your-boat way.

There are still some things, though, that are still beyond the pale even for the most open of minds.  The best example of this is the rigidity of gender roles.  In a typical maledom couple, he is dressed in heavy and concealing clothing and provides for his alluring female submissive.  In a typical femdom couple, he is dressed in some kind of heavy gear and provides for his alluring female dominant.

I get why women are alluring.  Really, I do.  Women are the standard of beauty upon which humanity evaluates all art and design, and that for very, very good reason.  What I don't understand, though, is why women do not enjoy men in a physical sense, or tend not to do so in a way that anyone else will ever know.  I have heard two arguments on this:  1) women care more about other aspects of men and discount their physical attractiveness, and 2) women need the positive social rewards of being attractive and want to preserve the one-sided equation in their favor.

Okay, now that I've pretty much pissed off every feminist on the planet, let me emphasize that these are not my personal beliefs, but when I express confusion on the topic, responses tend to fall into one of those two explanations.  I'm not sure I buy either of them.

But, let me ask a few questions:
- Why is there no male analog to lingerie?  Lingerie is designed to enhance a woman's body.  The mere thought of trying to do that with a male body is openly laughed at in most social circles.
- Why are men expected to provide regardless of the power dynamic?

- Why is vulnerability considered bad in a man and good in a woman, even when the man is theoretically submissive to the woman?  By "vulnerability," I mean both in dress (women wear heels, short skirts, and other items that look fantastic but are severely lacking in function and comfort) and in power (women tend to not have pockets and it's not odd for them to ask a man to hold her ID / money / etc.)

I've been called "gender fluid," mostly because my sexuality isn't all that rigidly defined.  I LOVE to play with roles and expectations and plant high explosives at the base of social norms.  This also means that I sometimes confuse people, because I don't operate off of the same script that so much of society takes for granted.

The other day I mentioned to a dear female friend that I had been out cycling that morning.  She made a comment about happily imagining me in my spandex shorts.  I suddenly felt like a sex object... and I really, really, really liked it.  How wonderful to feel "packaged up" for a woman's enjoyment.  It would have been wonderful to spend hours in some vulnerable and uncomfortable outfit that trussed, shaped, and displayed me to best advantage.  How delicious it would be to have someone -- or a number of someones -- look me over directly, openly, and unashamed to be doing so.

I probably just melted some brains, or caused them to completely lose their indexing.

To be clear, I'm not talking about wholesale gender reversal, simply an opening of more channels for men to be pleasing to women.  My own personal interest is in dominant women expanding their freedom of role and submissive men building a repertoire of visual and sexual appeal.  There can never be a threat to the pole position that women hold in physical beauty, nor meaningful discount of the value of deferential men in sleek, pocketless clothes who surrender cash and keys to their dates.  There is so much opportunity to play and experiment and try and enjoy without fear that ones identity will be destroyed forever.

I'm also not talking specifically about cross dressing, though it wouldn't hurt to lighten up on that topic, too.  I'm wondering if there is more creativity in the minds and desires of women beyond tuxedos and boxer shorts.

I hope the unspoken barriers crumble sooner rather than later.  I hope that people can learn to enjoy and be enjoyable in as many ways as possible without feeling threatened.  I would love to see men and women enjoy each other in more and more ways.  What could be wrong with that?

QL

Are Some Things Forever?

I've been in a relationship for a number of months, and that's part of my absence from the blogosphere. Quietlisten is the part of me that is made up of a laundry list of fetishes, interests, and ideas, as well as the hopes and fears that follow from that list. So as I have built trust and gotten to know this other person, I've put all that "stuff" into the metaphorical closet and hung a metaphorical sign reading "Greasy Car Parts and Dirty Jock Straps; Please Open For Cleaning." Shocker; to date it has been completely passed by. After some time, though, Quietlisten has started jiggling the doorknob, testing the hinges, and is about ready to kick the door into splinters.

All of this makes me wonder about the wisdom of developing fetishes that may not be well accepted by a more traditional partner. I'm not talking about the typical fetishes such as corsets (*whimper*), high-heeled thigh boots (*groan*), and basic BDSM gear. Having a little tie-up with sex is pretty passe these days. But when your fetishes are more relationship-focused it gets a bit dicey to interweave any of those -- let alone all of them -- with a healthy, loving relationship with an unsuspecting partner.

Take, for example, control. I dream about being controlled, about being vulnerable to someone I care about and meeting her expectations, putting myself second to her wishes. But I need to have a deep level of trust and committment to want someone to control me. "I'm a Domme, get on your knees" would make me break into fits of laughter unless I genuinely respected and trusted the woman saying it. And the deeper the committment to each other, the deeper and more expansive I'd enjoy the control because I'd trust that our full lives were incorporated into the tapestry, not just the fetish.

I also love cross-dressing, though I have found that it's almost universally despised by men and women alike. Provide me with a list of blogs written about the joys and wonders of feminizing a man, whittle those down to the ones claiming to be written by women, and I would guess that better than 90% of the time it's really a cross-dressing man looking for an audience for his fantasies. Nothing wrong with that (besides being deceptive, but this is the internet) but the point is that there are almost no real-world non-pro-Domme women who genuinely LIKE that fetish. That's a huge shame, because if done right it can shine a bright light into parts of a man's mind and soul that cannot be revealed in other ways. Yes, many cross-dressers do a horrendous job of using cross-dressing to connect and understand, but there are a few of us who actually see it that way.

So why all of this talk about fetish and acceptance? Well, I'm approaching the point in the relationship where I'll have to push hard to convert the initial hints I've been dropping -- constructively and well-timed, by the way -- into a better picture of who I am. I have to do it in a way that doesn't leave me driving around town late at night in the rain wondering how I could have messed up this great opportunity with this amazing person. There's a clock ticking... go too fast and I'm a pervert; go too slow and I've been lying through omission.

I'm tempted to do triage to simplify the problem, to just ignore the fetishes and desires and thoughts and the huge and wonderful world I have built inside my head. I could probably survive for quite a while going through the missionary motions while wondering what I gave up. That's not healthy. Neither is losing this relationship.

Ideally, we'd plumb the depths of our respective sexualities and become closer through them. Maybe she would enjoy having her home cleaned by a guy in a simple maid's dress who wants desperately for her to be happy. Maybe she would love to send me off to work with the key to my chastity device in her purse, giggling to herself through the day that she has that kind of power and control over me... and my loving every minute of it. Perhaps she wants to know what it's like to be the penetrator and would find the idea of playing with a strap-on to be fun, empowering, liberating.

Any of those scenarios is possible, but a realistic look at the chances tells me that I should not set my expectations around them. I do care for her desperately and want to represent myself as honestly as I can without losing her. Decades of allowing my mind to roam freely and develop layers of fetishes is working against me now. I have to find the right balance to consider myself whole while not wrecking what she and I have built. It's a hell of a tightrope, and I hate that I am so bad at these things.

The real question mark is that I don't even know if any of these fetishes CAN be undone. I'm sitting here right now with my chastity cage on, enjoying it thoroughly. I disposed of the bulk of my femme wardrobe out of fear that it would be found and raise questions I was not prepared to answer; but I'm craving the feeling of a pair of heels, thigh hose, miniskirt, bra, and top, long nails, and earrings.

There is no easy way to introduce those things or to make her understand the layers behind them: vulnerability, supression of ego, focus on pleasing, being controlled, used, enjoyed. How strong is the door on that closet? How much can it hold? Can I let a little bit out at a time without having all those "greasy car parts and dirty jock straps" come tumbling out? Can I be honest with her about who I am, claim that I'm being open and transparent, but please pay no attention to the pounding noises and flying paint chips from that door over there. Maybe the door will hold, and maybe it won't make any difference. Maybe that's the choice I'm left with: partial truth with her or wide-open fetish holiday alone. Neither is ideal.

Which will I chose?

What is for forever?

Good luck to everyone in finding happiness. I'm continuing to try.

Quietlisten