Conditioning

I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week.  It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning.  If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low.  But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.

Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT.  But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it.  It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself.  Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas.  A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.

My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort.  I'm getting closer every day.

One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental.  I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on.  I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on.  I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.

Incremental Progress

Locked.  Again.

During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up.  There's just something Pavlovian about heading home.  So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2.  After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.

Wow.  That was a short post, huh?  Oh, wait... there's more.

I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination.  Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend.  Yiy!  Some people just sleepwalk.  I sleeplock.  Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.

Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real."  I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers.  I should get access again around lunchtime today.  Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder.  (For the safe, not the device!)

But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time.  My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.

When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming:  I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device.  It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis.  At the time, I thought it was a minor difference.  Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.

I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device.  But it's a slower, deeper experience.  I've noticed that the "output" is different, too:  more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum.  The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat.  Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened.  In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact.  Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.

My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind.  Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues.  Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going.  A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Two Things

I've been thinking a bit about the two elements of chastity: the physical and the emotional.

The physical can be very enjoyable.  I actually enjoy being locked up.  The hard casing can feel like cock armor, and the sensation of bondage is calming to a submissive soul.  But over time, it is the first and most obvious limiting factor.  Most of the difficulties I've outlined in my notes here are about overcoming the physical barriers.

Emotional is the true draw.  I like the notion of being sexually "kept" by a woman.  The power exchange is undeniably sexual and neatly disposes of tradition and stereotype.  The changes that come over a man kept in chastity provide a kaleidoscope of emotional swirl, a roller coaster ride that is hard for some few women to pass up.

So far, I've overcome all of the physical barriers and am pretty convinced that I can find a way to tolerate lock-up if motivated to do so.  Which leaves us with the emotional.  That code I have not yet cracked.  Having my key held by a person of the female persuasion is not enough.  I need to care about her and want her to get deep inside my head, because that is where she will end up as my vulnerability swells.

As usual, I have done the easy part first, and it wasn't all that easy.  One of the supremely enjoyable aspects of life, though, is progressing against what once appeared to be impossible.  Who knows... maybe one day I'll struggle with both physical and emotional stresses.  I look forward to that day.

QL

So What?

Business has been hopping lately, so I've been on the road a lot.  As "problems" go, that's a pretty nice one to have.  But my recent experiments with chastity have somewhat been put on hold.

But not entirely.

Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip.  So, some activity.  But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.

One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question.  I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect.  It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else.  It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point.  Once again, I have tools.

With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people.  The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism:  crickets chirping.  No response.  At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him.  It just IS.

But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet.  In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items.  Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout.  Life is good.

I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days.  That feels good, almost care free.

The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment.  It's just something to work towards while I live my life.  When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages.  I'm interested in pushing boundaries.  Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.

Kind of a personal update, but there it is.  Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.

Double Interesting

I can orgasm in a chastity device.  I mean... hmmm.  Who knew?

Today I tried the prostate-stimulator-hitachi-on-the-holy-trainer trick again and it seriously worked.  Not as fast as yesterday, but after several minutes of getting worked up... *BAM*!  I'm pretty sure it was a full-on orgasm, but I wasn't erect, so I'm slightly confused.  All the other physiological reactions were there, it's just that I was locked up.

Who knows?  Maybe this is just a reaction to a new stimulation and things will calm down a little.  I'm in the device until at least Sunday, so I'll see how things progress.  If I wear it out of town next week and don't get any stimulation, then things may be different when I get home.

This post is just kind of wandering.  But I really didn't expect that much deep, pulsing pleasure while caged.  When expectations don't line up with reality, I often take a step back and have a good head scratch.  That's where I am now.  Scratching.  My head.

Any thoughts from out there in Internet Land?

Hmmmm....

Wow... That's Interesting

I arrived home this afternoon from my latest business trip.  There was a decent chance that my most recent purchases would be waiting for me, and I indeed found several boxes on my doorstep.  Woo hoo!  The key items include a Hitachi Magic Wand and 8-ounce squirt bottles.

My intent has been to conquer the last two problems in the way of long-term chastity device wear:  hygiene and prostate health.  Since I went on this trip unlocked, I changed into something less businesslike (nothing, actually) and locked my Holy Trainer 2 onto myself.  Then I put a condom and some lube on my Aneros-like prostate massager and placed it into position.  Once that was in place, I turned on the Hitachi and started to rub it around on the Holy Trainer.

Oh. My. God.

I was amazed at how fast the vibrations -- when propagating through my lower body cavity -- created extremely erotic sensations.  It didn't take long before I felt a familiar build-up.  Because I've never been close to any kind of release with a device on, I made no attempt to stifle or prolong things.  After several minutes, I felt what I can only describe as a partial orgasm.  There as a pumping sensation, but nothing came out.  After a few seconds, there was one more spasm and a significant ejaculation shot out.

I was genuinely surprised at this.  I expected frustration and little "production" during the first try, because I've had such a difficult time up until now.  But it worked flawlessly.

Some guys report not feeling any let-down of sexual tension when they release fluid like this.  But I felt a sense of physical relief.  It just wasn't an orgasm with the incredible feeling of satisfaction that I'm accustomed to.

My understanding is that to exercise the prostate I should be doing this every day or couple of days, pretty much as often as I would normally masturbate.  I'll try it a few times this weekend and see what happens.  I'm locked until Sunday morning, so might as well.

The other aspect is the hygiene part.  I've loaded up a bottle for a good cleaning in the morning.  Since I'm only locked for a few days, it's not a big deal.  But if I'm going on a trip locked, I should work out any bugs here first.  I bought a small soft toothbrush in case I can get it into the device.  Not sure I can, but it seemed worth a try.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I feel like I'm making progress and hope I continue to do so.

Again, thanks to Miss Bonnie and "Admin" over at Collar n' Cuffs for the "help" with this.  With friends like you, who needs enemies?  Haha.  "Help, help... my friends are trying to lock me up!!!"

Quick Update

So I'm locked up again, keys in the care of Strict Mistress at Keysafe.org.  I'm going for short stints for now, three to four days at a time so that I can keep the plumbing working.

I have received some great advice on prostate stimulation and cleaning, and my Hitachi Magic Wand should be here before long.  With luck, these minor adjustments will solve my plumbing problems.  With health taken care of, I can focus on extending my "stay."  Would be nice to go a month, just to see what that feels like.  Not sure how long I want to go.  I do have some things coming up on my calendar that will require not wearing a cage.  But they're a ways out right now.

Anyway, just wanted to post an update to let everyone know that I'm still active as I keep working on the last few issues.

Oh, and I'm typing this while wearing a short swing skirt and heels.  So there.