Vulnerability Flipped

I need to re-iterate something I've said many times, but which cannot be over stressed.  One of the greatest joys I feel as a submissive male is the sense of instant deference when in the presence of femininity.  I'm just hard-wired with a reaction to curves, smile, eyes and grace to be pleasing and supportive, almost hyper-gentlemanly.  With enough effort, I can squelch this reaction and act more as society expects, but I much prefer to be myself and enjoy being deferential.  I LOVE the power that femininity has over me, and as I age (and hopefully become wiser) I am less prone to apologize for that.

So, with that in mind, I wanted to share some thoughts about twisting social assumptions regarding sexuality.  Historically, women have been viewed as sex objects for the enjoyment of men, powerless and buffeted by patriarchal norms, packaged for viewing pleasure and valued in relation to the degree to which they fit into a male-dominated world.  But this set of assumptions blows up as soon as the men in the situation are hard-wired submissives who become more deferential with increasing arousal.  Then the power dynamic flips.  That attractiveness becomes a psychological leash, far more steadfast and enduring than any chain.

As a submissive male, I love the feeling of this mental leash being gently tugged, whether intentionally on the part of the woman or not.  The only thing that feels better is an intentional and decidedly more purposeful tug, an acknowledgement of this power by both parties.

All of these thoughts came from an image I came across recently.  I don't have the image itself to share, but it was a pool scene, a casual get-together or informal party.  Some people were in the water, others were lounging in swimwear, and still others were milling about in casual clothes.  One woman was wearing a bikini with halter ties on the top and hip ties on the bottom.  Knots were tied such that a single tug would make the garment fall apart.

My first thought was:  "It must feel so vulnerable to wear something like that."  I have to admit that my penchant for feeling vulnerable kicked in and I felt a little jealous.  How lovely to be in that position.

The second thought, though, didn't take long to form.  That knot only represents her vulnerability to excessively aggressive guys (thugs, really) who would consider tugging the knot open, probably after they paired off to get to know each other better.  But it also represents a statement of fact to the more submissive:  "I can wear this with confidence that you will never touch without permission, and probably not even then."  It's a statement of sexual power and confidence:  "I can wear this and not be vulnerable to you... you are vulnerable to me."

That's totally hot.

The very same clothing that gets such a horrible social rap -- high heels, push-up bras, flimsy fabrics -- represents within the context of empowered women and deferential men a rich language of power often flipped from traditional feminist thinking.  Personally, I think most men are submissive and that many, many more would express this if it was more celebrated in society and desired by more women.  Far more likely to me that feminine fashion triggers deep psychological longing than just a passing surface appreciation in the typical male.

But that's just my own mind at work.  As a sample of one, I'm just going to continue enjoying the feeling of powerlessness in the face of femininity, the need to defer to the dare of curves and fluid motion.  As I maintain eye contact despite cleavage or a short skirt or a barely-tied-on bikini, I telegraph our mutual understanding of her right to sexual power and my joy in deferring to that.

Giving It A Go

Sometimes you just have to give ideas a whirl.  This is particularly true when you are the only one on the planet who thinks it may be a good idea.  Maybe that's just when it's the most fun.

I exposited at length in my post titled Eye Candy that I thought it would be nice to adopt and adapt some of the more enjoyably submissive attributes of femininity without trying to look like a woman or giving up my own identity.  I mused about the possibility of tossing gender convention to the wind and simply enjoying parts of me that are not appreciated by others.

As a reminder of the attributes I am trying to incorporate into this "look:"

1.  Tight-fitting and revealing clothes that present the wearer as a blatant sex object.  LOTS of skin showing, and little left to the imagination, every curve defined and open to public scrutiny.

That "little left to the imagination" part is taken to the extreme of not hiding ANY part of the anatomy.  In fact, showcasing it as specifically NOT being hidden.  I'm not trying to weird people out here, just experimenting with the same kind of attitude that society routinely takes with women's bodies.  Oh, and using shiny and metallic fabrics should add an exclamation point behind the statement.

2. Using cut and material to make the body above the waist "technically" covered, but entirely visible.

3. No pockets or place to hide hands, wallet, or other objects.  This leaves the wearer psychologically and functionally "nude."

4. Shoes that are not overtly female (stiletto heel, for example), yet do have a feminine feel to them.  A slight prop to the back of the foot can shape calves, quads, and butt to make a more pleasing image.

5. Tasteful touches of submission, such as a thin steel collar and/or cuffs.

6. Very, very careful use of cosmetics, perhaps a touch of lip gloss or mascara to highlight without looking "made up."  This is a tough one and very much based on personal taste.  It can go a long way to melt any remaining machismo.

Over the past couple of days, I've been making progress on the purchasing front, and I hope to get started in earnest with the presentation experiments over the coming weekend.  There is still much to do.  But what I have started with is partially represented on this page:

- Metallic workout shorts, high-waisted and very little inseam, tight-fitting and stretchy metallic dance shorts, and shiny disco shorts are all on their way to my home.

- Two mesh tops (one with the chest exposed) are on order.

- Dainty wedge heel leather oxfords should arrive soon, too.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be shopping for some additional items.  I think that nipple clamps joined by a light chain would look great under the mesh top.  Also, thin steel wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar would look fantastic, cast the wearer solidly (and pleasantly) into a totally submissive role, and provide great utility for the use of Dominants.*  These are extraordinarily expensive, though, so if anyone knows where they can be found at a reasonable price, please let me know.

So it's going to be an "interesting" weekend.  I'll let both of my readers know how it goes and if any of this meets my rather steep expectations.  There is a lot of work to do -- for example, hair may look horrible in specific places -- but I've been thinking about this for a long time.  It's time to stop thinking and start playing.

Anybody have any thoughts or ideas?  Am I missing anything obvious?  Thanks for reading.  I'll be posting soon, I'm sure... so long as the mail is running somewhat on time.

* For ultimate "utility," why not add some sort of a tasteful leg garter strung with half a dozen small oval carabiners that could be used by a Domme to connect two or more cuffs/collar?

Random Thoughts and Realizations

It's rather embarrassing how long I've been away from this blog.  To issue my typical rejoinder when apologizing to kinky people:  I should be flogged for it.  Please.  (ta-dum-dum)

My mind has been churning madly lately, and that means that both of my readers are bound to be sploodged with the kinky butter that results.  So in no particular order, and with no regard to priority, here are some random thoughts from the past however-many months.

Chastity

I still love the idea of chastity, but there are some caveats and issues to be addressed.  First among these is the focus and purpose of the exercise.  I see chastity play as an extension of an intimate relationship, a deepening of a caring bond.  It's a way for bondage and sexual power dynamics to wander out into the "real world."  The difficulties mostly revolve around the the male body and the device meant to entrap a particular part of that body.

Just as penises come in many lengths, girths, and curves, there is lot of variation in the degree to which any given organ will change when erect.  Some merely harden but don't grow more than a few percent from starting size.  Others lengthen by four or six times their starting size.  A friend once called these "showers" and "growers," respectively.  Growers suffer horribly in a traditional chastity cage.  Once little Dr. Banner starts to get angry, the poor cage hangs on for dear life.  Castration by caged penile Hulkitude is a real possibility.  I have personally never broken through (pardon the pun) that nuts-ripped-off barrier, particularly with involuntary nighttime erections.

Wearing the cage around is actually a very, very nice experience.  It really does make a guy feel a sense of being controlled, a very real sexual dependence that feels simply warm and wonderful.  Longer-term wear really is something that a guy can get accustomed to, but some activities make wear difficult.  As a cyclist and a time trialist, I have to "lay across" the handlebars for hours at a time, my back flat and groin pressed into a very small space in the saddle.  Beyond the fact that spandex shorts reveal everything down to freckles to everyone, the prospect of crushing myself into permanent falsetto is in no way erotic.  I also don't want to give up a sport that is partly responsible for me being in good physical condition.

So I continue to play with short-term wear with hopes that I can share this with a wonderful partner before too long.

Femininity and The Female Form

Nothing in the universe is more attractive than the female form.  Nothing. I used to think that this was a purely sexual drive, that it arose out of the short-term chemical-induced madness known as lust.  But I had an experience that changed my viewpoint.  A series of non-emergency medical tests over six months increased and decreased my testosterone levels several times.  I went from monster to zero interest in any form of sex, then cycled again.  (I'm at neither extreme now.  Thank you for asking.)  But even when I was at my lowest levels, I had an absolute fascination with the female form and feminine beauty.  Curves and motion and eyes and pose still jumped out at me, resonating in my bones, not just in regions I'm accustomed to feeling such things.

Oddly, fetish images -- favorites such as latex and leather and spandex -- maintained their attraction. But it was much more of an appreciation than pure lust.  The fetish clothing simply amplified the resonance with the curves and the motion and the eyes and the pose.

I love that the attraction is much deeper than direct and momentary urges.  I love that this feeling of helplessness to the beauty and charm of women is not just hard wired into me... it's part of my fundamental scaffolding.

Maid Service

I was extremely fortunate to be able to serve as a woman's maid for a short time.  I would take my things over to her house, change into a simple cotton hotel maid's uniform and sensible shoes, then work for a while.  With practice, I was able to vacuum her whole house efficiently, clean the kitchen, dust, and very occasionally do laundry, make beds, empty trash, and perform other chores.  I enjoyed it because she was a spectacularly wonderful lady for whom I enjoyed working.

I have never bought into the traditional sissy maid fantasy, with the mincing and faux dusting and 6" heels.  I particularly don't like the "forced" fantasy nor the punishment-for-minor-mistakes play.  These feel selfish to me.  I want to BE a servant to the Lady and her home, working for her very real comfort and leisure.  I want us both to enjoy the strict power dynamic.  And I want to feel the pleasure of EARNING my uniform, the privilege of wearing it, and my status as her servant.

We did experiment with more elaborate play.  She held a dinner in  her home with a friendly couple one night, and I was instructed to wear a more formal satin "English" style uniform.  It was a tremendous success with both of us learning many lessons that evening.  I am no cook, so my role was mostly serving at the table.  I love that I got a rush out of serving, out of the silently dismissive thank-you glances as I re-filled glasses, being ignored in the conversation as I stood at attention in the corner, and the quiet cleaning up when everyone dropped their napkins on plate or floor and adjourned to the living room.  It was later that I realized what an honor it was to be allowed to serve these good people, shamelessly displayed as a kinky decoration and treated as a servant.

My life is too busy to spend hours every week cleaning someone else's house, but I hope that I can find my way back into some sort of servant role again.  The Lady has to be worth the effort, though, and she has to understand at least some of the psychology behind the kink.  Some day.

Strap-on Play

Fortune piled upon fortune, the same woman who let me serve as her maid also enjoyed strap-on play.  She taught me many things about hygene, preparation, and other key technical points.  And the fact that she so enjoyed it made it worth learning.  Up front I'm going to state that when done right, it really, really feels good.

The real benefits for me, though, were psychological.  Not to revisit a refrain too many times in one post, but a strap-on can be a tool of unparalleled bonding.  So many times in the popular kinky press, a strap-on is portrayed as a punishment or a humiliation to the man.  Nonsense!  While it does crash some gender barriers -- and good riddance to those -- it's just lovely, deep (preferably), moaning, squirming penetration.  Whether it's face-down-ass-up power play or soulful eye staring while she pins your wrists to the bed, it's all a delightful change-up that mocks rigid gender differentiation.  Between two people who care about each other, how can that be in any way bad.

Of the items I've discussed here so far, this one is probably the most powerful.  The others are more about relating on an overall basis, while this one is a very intense and in-the-moment bonding experience.  Having experienced it, I will say that it can be a wonderful expression of vulnerability and openness, and I hope it is part of any future serious sexual relationship I have.

Onward

I'm not sure if I'll get fully back into "the BDSM community" again.  It had a very High School feel to it, and I never liked High School.  But I have been feeling like it's time to connect with key people again, and to expand my circle of kinky acquaintances.  It's not a hobby, it's part of who I am.  And as busy and distracted as I've been the past months, I need to make room for this part of me.

All I have to say is... beware Hulkitude.