I went to a "Femdom brunch" the other day. My intent was to meet new people with kinks slanting in roughly the same direction as mine. That's not a huge agenda; better to just go and see what happens, what I learn.
Eight people showed up, including me: five women and three guys. Of the five women, I'd characterize two as "trying so hard to be 'dominant' that it was all I could do to not laugh out loud," one as quiet but intense, and two were welcoming and friendly. This got me wondering about what I thought a "dominant woman" is. The two doing the "tough bitch" posturing are definitely NOT it.
Today it struck me that it's not so much "dominance" that I find initially attractive. It's more akin to leadership. That's a hard quality to nail down, but mostly in this case it means someone I WANT to follow. Out of the bazillion attributes that can make me want to follow a woman, its no surprise that trust and respect are at the top of the list. Another key ingredient for me is a true appreciation on her part for my overcoming my social training and ego in order to be her follower. I need her to WANT to lead, and to want to lead ME in particular. At that point, we have a mutual connection.
Once the dynamic is established, THEN she can use her position as leader to move me along in a direction she wants me to go. She can start to push buttons, make her role more specific, severe, exaggerated, or start pushing it into areas of life where it does not currently reside.
What amazes me about so many depictions of "female dominance" is that they focus first and sometimes exclusively on fetish and severity. These are wonderful flavors when built on a strong foundation of leadership, but are not worth a lot without that foundation. I was recently looking for internet information to share with a curious vanilla woman and found relatively little material that got quickly to that foundation that makes it all make sense.
This may all be obvious to anyone who is experienced in such relationships, but for someone looking to find his own relationship bliss, such little revelations add up over time. I'm not looking for a haughty bitch, but for a true leader who earns my trust and respect. If she earns those, then she has access to just about everything else.
QL
