Old Yearnings, New Forrays

I've mentioned chastity so many times that both of my readers are likely getting tired of it.  If this describes you (or you, the other reader) then you might as well tune out now.  And not just for this post.  I'll be talking a bit about this for a while.

You see, I'm diving into a medium-scale experiment to dig deeper into what this is all about.  I've gone four to five days locked up in my CB-6000 before, and I do enjoy the emotional roller coaster, the sexual frustration, and the intensity of the drawn-out experience.  It's not something I'd like forever, mind you, but for a time, it's exciting.  There are aspects and angles I want to dive MUCH deeper on.

Solving Problems

There have been barriers in the past, and I'm searching for ways beyond them.  Some items I have had trouble dealing with in "the real world" -- and which never seem to come up in fantasy portrayals -- include:

Sleeping

Eventually nocturnal "activity" wakes me up in extreme agony.  This has threatened enough damage to sensitive orbs that I've called it off for this alone.  I'm trying a smaller ring to see if that helps keep things where they belong.

Exercise

I'm a cyclist and a runner.  Wearing a cage can be difficult for running, nearly impossible for cycling.  Since I'm a Time Trialist, the flat-back position is a non-starter for wearing anything "down there."  But I'm not riding much these days.  If I keep to running, wearing a device may be something that I can be acclimatized to over time.  I will have to give up the customary triathlon shorts for running since they hide NOTHING.

General Lifestyle

Having to sit down to urinate can be limiting since men's bathrooms are not set up for this.  Often there's only one stall, so it can be difficult to navigate the day.  Good thing I kicked the caffeine habit so I don't need to go fifteen times a day.

Shaving smooth and wearing a ring that holds everything in place is step one, and I'm already past that.  I'm test wearing the CB right now, increasing the time each day.  My hope is that in a couple of weeks I can stay locked up all day and night.  Then things start getting more interesting.

Next Steps

I'm looking around for a key safe.  If you aren't aware of how this works, the wearer of a chastity device puts the keys in a safe that can only be opened with remote permission.  The mechanism for this can vary, from needing the 8-digit combination, to someone else actually triggering the electromechanical locking mechanism via a command over the internet.  There are varying degrees of security, from viewing through a webcam to light, motion, and tamper sensors built into the safe.  Of course, the cost varies along with the sophistication and security; $50 to almost $600.  I'm playing at the $50 level right now.

The web site http://keysafe.org is where I have a profile right now, though if someone else has other options, I'd love to hear about it.  The site allows connecting with a keyholder and allowing them to control your keys (via the safe).  There are other features, too, but that's the gist.

I do want to find out more about what happens to me psychologically when I have been locked for a while.  I think I'll get very accommodating towards my keyholder.  It scares me a little thinking about the extent to which that might be true.  I'd better be careful choosing the individual to whom I turn over that power.  Haha.

I'm looking forward to this side-journey into play.  I'll keep both of you posted on how it goes and what twists and turns I go through along the way.

Finally

It took months of knowing her, talking with her, checking on her through those who knew her play and her greater life before I was ready to enter the play space with her. I'm keeping the details of the play private, between the two of us. I'm still madly processing it all, and I am going through quite the arc of emotions.

I left a relationship because I thought I needed something on the sexual side that I would never get there. My worry was that I would get to the reality of it and not really enjoy it in the way I did in fantasy. I was correct that fantasy and reality are very different. But I wasn't prepared to have my identity shifted over the course of an hour or so, to find out that more than my fantasy-filled mind is wrapped up in bondage, submission, and masochism. My heart is, too.

I'm kinky. I'm submissive. It's in my bones and in my heart, and I can never deny it again.

So now that my lens on the world has been swapped out for something far more clear, I'm trying to figure out what to do next. The spark has touched and the smoldering has begun, but what to do with the heat? How long do I have before it gets unbearable?

The sounds of the flogger striking my skin echo in my ears at work when I'm trying to be productive. The little rectangular bruise she intentionally left on my butt cheek makes me smile as I get dressed in the morning. I can feel her hand slapping me, probing my musculature possessively, smacking my ass. I can hear the growl that came out of me from I-don't-know-where when she increased the pace and intensity of her flogger strokes. I can hear her commands, the "Yes, Ma'am" that came joyfully from the deepest parts of my submissive mind in response.

I need to go back there. Not want to... need to.

And far from being ashamed, I'm proud. I can be proud because she didn't do anything to me, we shared it together. We fed off of each other and made each other whole for a while.

"Is your heart happy?" she asked oh-so-gently after curling me on a blanket and laying beside me, my hand in hers.

"Yes," I said, squeezing her hand. "My heart is happy."

Quietlisten
Submissive Sadomasochist