It's been quiet here for some time. That's a good thing, in this case... good in the best possible way.
I found somebody.
More than that, I found "the" somebody.
She's amazing in every possible way, and the speed at which we combined lives and began our together journey was simply stunning. We mesh mentally, emotionally, and in every possible way. I had a pretty good head start in the kink department, but she's catching up fast, threatening to pass.
Specifically what we do together is, of course, private. But I will say that we are experimenting with chastity and feminization to the extent of playing with "role-reversed 1950s household" themes. She has preferences in presentation and has bought me several dresses to wear for her while I make dinner, tidy up, and bring wine to her.
It's not all kink and play. We have very full lives and sometimes go way too long before realizing we've gotten further away from kink than we had intended. But it's always there waiting for us to return.
Exploring with someone else is completely different from doing so alone. Talking things through with another person and having someone to connect with on such an intimate level is more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined.
We waited a long time for each other. But that wait seems nothing now.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
So What?
Business has been hopping lately, so I've been on the road a lot. As "problems" go, that's a pretty nice one to have. But my recent experiments with chastity have somewhat been put on hold.
But not entirely.
Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip. So, some activity. But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.
One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question. I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect. It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else. It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point. Once again, I have tools.
With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people. The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism: crickets chirping. No response. At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him. It just IS.
But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet. In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items. Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout. Life is good.
I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days. That feels good, almost care free.
The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment. It's just something to work towards while I live my life. When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages. I'm interested in pushing boundaries. Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.
Kind of a personal update, but there it is. Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.
But not entirely.
Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip. So, some activity. But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.
One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question. I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect. It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else. It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point. Once again, I have tools.
With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people. The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism: crickets chirping. No response. At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him. It just IS.
But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet. In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items. Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout. Life is good.
I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days. That feels good, almost care free.
The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment. It's just something to work towards while I live my life. When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages. I'm interested in pushing boundaries. Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.
Kind of a personal update, but there it is. Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Dancing with Quandaries
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I care about. That's not the same as "what I want," but what drives me and makes me think and feel. There are some major quandaries that I've been trying to reconcile:
1) I love strong, confident, capable women... but I detest gruff and unsophisticated women who bark whims and take offense easily.
2) I love to support smart women, taking on a subordinate role to help them achieve worthwhile and well-thought-out goals... but I ruffle at having my identity or independence diminished to the point where the ONLY thing I am is an accessory.
This is a difficult dance: power exchange but not life-diminishing in effect, feminine dominance of the relationship without the need to simply flip maledom roles. The most wonderful sensation in the world is looking at a woman, being attracted to her (the person, not just physically), and feeling the "click" of the switch inside that makes me need to support her.
That "click" isn't just a nice-to-have occasional neat thing. It's not some adjunct aspect of sexual arousal. It's deep in the mind and it's wonderfully entwined with my identity. It IS sex. Anything she may want of me physically comes out of that feeling, otherwise it's a sad sham and sure to be short lived.
And she has to know that this power is hers. She has to know that it's earned, not just handed out to anyone. If that switch has been thrown in my brain, then she's beyond special.
Let's dance.
1) I love strong, confident, capable women... but I detest gruff and unsophisticated women who bark whims and take offense easily.
2) I love to support smart women, taking on a subordinate role to help them achieve worthwhile and well-thought-out goals... but I ruffle at having my identity or independence diminished to the point where the ONLY thing I am is an accessory.
This is a difficult dance: power exchange but not life-diminishing in effect, feminine dominance of the relationship without the need to simply flip maledom roles. The most wonderful sensation in the world is looking at a woman, being attracted to her (the person, not just physically), and feeling the "click" of the switch inside that makes me need to support her.
That "click" isn't just a nice-to-have occasional neat thing. It's not some adjunct aspect of sexual arousal. It's deep in the mind and it's wonderfully entwined with my identity. It IS sex. Anything she may want of me physically comes out of that feeling, otherwise it's a sad sham and sure to be short lived.
And she has to know that this power is hers. She has to know that it's earned, not just handed out to anyone. If that switch has been thrown in my brain, then she's beyond special.
Let's dance.
Monday, January 30, 2012
*ouch* *smile*
More play. Yay!!!
This time it had a slightly different character to it. She seemed less constrained and cautious, a bit more sure of what I could take and what I liked. That in itself felt good, that she was feeling out boundaries and enjoying herself in the clear space between.
Some of it, quite frankly, hurt a bit. At one point I started to sweat a little, a single musky rivulet running down the inside of my arm. The *swish* noises were louder and followed by heftier *thud*s, and she kept going where previously she would have paused and checked in. She experimented freely with new implements, asked for descriptions of sensations, feeling again for those crucial edges while checking depth at various points. We tried a couple of new things, found success with pushing some things we'd tried before. Minor hiccups along the way, of course -- I developed an internal cramp after some time and couldn't tell how serious it was at first -- but honesty and communication make up for much.
If I had to sum up the experience, I'd say that I felt played with and enjoyed, and I LOVED that sensation. I could almost feel the barriers coming down, and I started to dive into sub space again for the first time in ages. I find myself wanting that, needing it, reveling in the idea of dwelling there for a time.
Comfortable in my discomfort is a good place to be. Doing that while being a pleasure to someone else is a wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
It's good to be sexually alive again.
QL
This time it had a slightly different character to it. She seemed less constrained and cautious, a bit more sure of what I could take and what I liked. That in itself felt good, that she was feeling out boundaries and enjoying herself in the clear space between.
Some of it, quite frankly, hurt a bit. At one point I started to sweat a little, a single musky rivulet running down the inside of my arm. The *swish* noises were louder and followed by heftier *thud*s, and she kept going where previously she would have paused and checked in. She experimented freely with new implements, asked for descriptions of sensations, feeling again for those crucial edges while checking depth at various points. We tried a couple of new things, found success with pushing some things we'd tried before. Minor hiccups along the way, of course -- I developed an internal cramp after some time and couldn't tell how serious it was at first -- but honesty and communication make up for much.
If I had to sum up the experience, I'd say that I felt played with and enjoyed, and I LOVED that sensation. I could almost feel the barriers coming down, and I started to dive into sub space again for the first time in ages. I find myself wanting that, needing it, reveling in the idea of dwelling there for a time.
Comfortable in my discomfort is a good place to be. Doing that while being a pleasure to someone else is a wonderful way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
It's good to be sexually alive again.
QL
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
New Opportunities
I was introduced to someone recently, a "quick" coffee that ended up taking well over an hour. Losing time at a first meeting is a good sign. We met up again for some more substantial time together, then again for dinner. She's a warm and interesting person, and I get along with her very well.
And she's kinkier in her way than I am.
We had several solid conversations about kink, about likes/dislikes/needs/fears. There's nothing like sitting in a room and having an actual conversation about these things -- openly and directly -- with someone to build calm and trust. Even I was getting a little impatient to play. That, too, is a good sign.
So last weekend I spent several hours in her home. As is my practice, I will not provide a play-by-play of what we did. But there was much mutual button-pushing, exquisite touch and a little pain, laughter during and talking after. It's a good base to build on, safety and trust as the best of all starting points.
We're independent people, not driving to a pre-determined relationship goal. But the outlines are starting to form around what could be a beautifully sexual D/s relationship. The openness and directness make it easy to be here, drama kept skulking in the shadows by the light of communication. I had been told that this was "out there" somewhere. For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to believe it.
No idea where from here, but the nice thing is that I'm happy to take the ride and see where it takes me.
QL
And she's kinkier in her way than I am.
We had several solid conversations about kink, about likes/dislikes/needs/fears. There's nothing like sitting in a room and having an actual conversation about these things -- openly and directly -- with someone to build calm and trust. Even I was getting a little impatient to play. That, too, is a good sign.
So last weekend I spent several hours in her home. As is my practice, I will not provide a play-by-play of what we did. But there was much mutual button-pushing, exquisite touch and a little pain, laughter during and talking after. It's a good base to build on, safety and trust as the best of all starting points.
We're independent people, not driving to a pre-determined relationship goal. But the outlines are starting to form around what could be a beautifully sexual D/s relationship. The openness and directness make it easy to be here, drama kept skulking in the shadows by the light of communication. I had been told that this was "out there" somewhere. For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to believe it.
No idea where from here, but the nice thing is that I'm happy to take the ride and see where it takes me.
QL
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Closure
I had a wonderful burrito Tuesday night at "our" favorite place. We dated for over a year, formed a bond, cared for each other. But we've been drifting for a long time, not able to find a foothold to move forward together and not ready to say goodbye. We agreed a while back to see other people. My people have been kinky, something she didn't understand and really wasn't curious about. Hers, I would guess, have been a lot like me, only no kink displayed or discussed, if even dreamed. I'm very happy that we were open about that.
It was inevitable that one of us would find someone to fill that void in our lives. She has. While I really am happy for her to have found a direction and found a companion, closure is hard. She tried very hard to make it less so, and I appreciate that. I gave her the few things of hers that had remained at my place and she did the same. I gave her one item that meant a lot to her and got a beaming smile at the meaning of the gesture. We'll see each other again, but it will be very different.
The questions in my head are calming because they don't matter anymore. She's a wonderful person, I've been lucky to have her in my life, and I'm already turning towards my own future and the possibilities it holds. I'm kinky and I need kinky people close to me. I know that where I end up on this path will be much more "me" than the path I just left. But that path had its charms and it was very good to me.
It was inevitable that one of us would find someone to fill that void in our lives. She has. While I really am happy for her to have found a direction and found a companion, closure is hard. She tried very hard to make it less so, and I appreciate that. I gave her the few things of hers that had remained at my place and she did the same. I gave her one item that meant a lot to her and got a beaming smile at the meaning of the gesture. We'll see each other again, but it will be very different.
The questions in my head are calming because they don't matter anymore. She's a wonderful person, I've been lucky to have her in my life, and I'm already turning towards my own future and the possibilities it holds. I'm kinky and I need kinky people close to me. I know that where I end up on this path will be much more "me" than the path I just left. But that path had its charms and it was very good to me.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Waking Up
When I started dating a vanilla woman last year, several kinky ladies made what I thought at the time were over-the-top predictions of my future. "You're kinky, don't try to pretend otherwise," was the general sentiment. "But good luck, anyway." Yes, they are my friends and I appreciate the concern.
I'm drifting from that relationship now, mostly due to kink. I'm submissive. I need that in my relationship. I need to be accepted for who I am, including my cross-dressing and my need to serve and my fetishy nature. Vanilla just isn't going to cut it for me; I need a really interesting woman in my life or no one at all.
These revelations have lead me to the local "scene," finally stepping out the front door with my kink after over forty years of holding it in. I'm no "player," having only attended one function so far, but I'm slowly letting go of fears and barriers to happiness. We all have to do it some time. I am learning so much and finding such supportive people. Not sure at this point what my "style" is, and I have not yet begun to play, but I have a desire to learn and may have found someone to try playing with at some point when we are both ready.
That's a huge arc to have traveled in a year, and I'm happy to still be in flight. I hope there are many comments to make here as I continue to learn and understand more every day.
And to those who were so vehement about what you thought would make me happy, thank you for caring. I wasn't ignoring you, I just needed something at that moment that over-rode my thinking brain. Be well, everyone.
QL
I'm drifting from that relationship now, mostly due to kink. I'm submissive. I need that in my relationship. I need to be accepted for who I am, including my cross-dressing and my need to serve and my fetishy nature. Vanilla just isn't going to cut it for me; I need a really interesting woman in my life or no one at all.
These revelations have lead me to the local "scene," finally stepping out the front door with my kink after over forty years of holding it in. I'm no "player," having only attended one function so far, but I'm slowly letting go of fears and barriers to happiness. We all have to do it some time. I am learning so much and finding such supportive people. Not sure at this point what my "style" is, and I have not yet begun to play, but I have a desire to learn and may have found someone to try playing with at some point when we are both ready.
That's a huge arc to have traveled in a year, and I'm happy to still be in flight. I hope there are many comments to make here as I continue to learn and understand more every day.
And to those who were so vehement about what you thought would make me happy, thank you for caring. I wasn't ignoring you, I just needed something at that moment that over-rode my thinking brain. Be well, everyone.
QL
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Are Some Things Forever?
I've been in a relationship for a number of months, and that's part of my absence from the blogosphere. Quietlisten is the part of me that is made up of a laundry list of fetishes, interests, and ideas, as well as the hopes and fears that follow from that list. So as I have built trust and gotten to know this other person, I've put all that "stuff" into the metaphorical closet and hung a metaphorical sign reading "Greasy Car Parts and Dirty Jock Straps; Please Open For Cleaning." Shocker; to date it has been completely passed by. After some time, though, Quietlisten has started jiggling the doorknob, testing the hinges, and is about ready to kick the door into splinters.
All of this makes me wonder about the wisdom of developing fetishes that may not be well accepted by a more traditional partner. I'm not talking about the typical fetishes such as corsets (*whimper*), high-heeled thigh boots (*groan*), and basic BDSM gear. Having a little tie-up with sex is pretty passe these days. But when your fetishes are more relationship-focused it gets a bit dicey to interweave any of those -- let alone all of them -- with a healthy, loving relationship with an unsuspecting partner.
Take, for example, control. I dream about being controlled, about being vulnerable to someone I care about and meeting her expectations, putting myself second to her wishes. But I need to have a deep level of trust and committment to want someone to control me. "I'm a Domme, get on your knees" would make me break into fits of laughter unless I genuinely respected and trusted the woman saying it. And the deeper the committment to each other, the deeper and more expansive I'd enjoy the control because I'd trust that our full lives were incorporated into the tapestry, not just the fetish.
I also love cross-dressing, though I have found that it's almost universally despised by men and women alike. Provide me with a list of blogs written about the joys and wonders of feminizing a man, whittle those down to the ones claiming to be written by women, and I would guess that better than 90% of the time it's really a cross-dressing man looking for an audience for his fantasies. Nothing wrong with that (besides being deceptive, but this is the internet) but the point is that there are almost no real-world non-pro-Domme women who genuinely LIKE that fetish. That's a huge shame, because if done right it can shine a bright light into parts of a man's mind and soul that cannot be revealed in other ways. Yes, many cross-dressers do a horrendous job of using cross-dressing to connect and understand, but there are a few of us who actually see it that way.
So why all of this talk about fetish and acceptance? Well, I'm approaching the point in the relationship where I'll have to push hard to convert the initial hints I've been dropping -- constructively and well-timed, by the way -- into a better picture of who I am. I have to do it in a way that doesn't leave me driving around town late at night in the rain wondering how I could have messed up this great opportunity with this amazing person. There's a clock ticking... go too fast and I'm a pervert; go too slow and I've been lying through omission.
I'm tempted to do triage to simplify the problem, to just ignore the fetishes and desires and thoughts and the huge and wonderful world I have built inside my head. I could probably survive for quite a while going through the missionary motions while wondering what I gave up. That's not healthy. Neither is losing this relationship.
Ideally, we'd plumb the depths of our respective sexualities and become closer through them. Maybe she would enjoy having her home cleaned by a guy in a simple maid's dress who wants desperately for her to be happy. Maybe she would love to send me off to work with the key to my chastity device in her purse, giggling to herself through the day that she has that kind of power and control over me... and my loving every minute of it. Perhaps she wants to know what it's like to be the penetrator and would find the idea of playing with a strap-on to be fun, empowering, liberating.
Any of those scenarios is possible, but a realistic look at the chances tells me that I should not set my expectations around them. I do care for her desperately and want to represent myself as honestly as I can without losing her. Decades of allowing my mind to roam freely and develop layers of fetishes is working against me now. I have to find the right balance to consider myself whole while not wrecking what she and I have built. It's a hell of a tightrope, and I hate that I am so bad at these things.
The real question mark is that I don't even know if any of these fetishes CAN be undone. I'm sitting here right now with my chastity cage on, enjoying it thoroughly. I disposed of the bulk of my femme wardrobe out of fear that it would be found and raise questions I was not prepared to answer; but I'm craving the feeling of a pair of heels, thigh hose, miniskirt, bra, and top, long nails, and earrings.
There is no easy way to introduce those things or to make her understand the layers behind them: vulnerability, supression of ego, focus on pleasing, being controlled, used, enjoyed. How strong is the door on that closet? How much can it hold? Can I let a little bit out at a time without having all those "greasy car parts and dirty jock straps" come tumbling out? Can I be honest with her about who I am, claim that I'm being open and transparent, but please pay no attention to the pounding noises and flying paint chips from that door over there. Maybe the door will hold, and maybe it won't make any difference. Maybe that's the choice I'm left with: partial truth with her or wide-open fetish holiday alone. Neither is ideal.
Which will I chose?
What is for forever?
Good luck to everyone in finding happiness. I'm continuing to try.
Quietlisten
All of this makes me wonder about the wisdom of developing fetishes that may not be well accepted by a more traditional partner. I'm not talking about the typical fetishes such as corsets (*whimper*), high-heeled thigh boots (*groan*), and basic BDSM gear. Having a little tie-up with sex is pretty passe these days. But when your fetishes are more relationship-focused it gets a bit dicey to interweave any of those -- let alone all of them -- with a healthy, loving relationship with an unsuspecting partner.
Take, for example, control. I dream about being controlled, about being vulnerable to someone I care about and meeting her expectations, putting myself second to her wishes. But I need to have a deep level of trust and committment to want someone to control me. "I'm a Domme, get on your knees" would make me break into fits of laughter unless I genuinely respected and trusted the woman saying it. And the deeper the committment to each other, the deeper and more expansive I'd enjoy the control because I'd trust that our full lives were incorporated into the tapestry, not just the fetish.
I also love cross-dressing, though I have found that it's almost universally despised by men and women alike. Provide me with a list of blogs written about the joys and wonders of feminizing a man, whittle those down to the ones claiming to be written by women, and I would guess that better than 90% of the time it's really a cross-dressing man looking for an audience for his fantasies. Nothing wrong with that (besides being deceptive, but this is the internet) but the point is that there are almost no real-world non-pro-Domme women who genuinely LIKE that fetish. That's a huge shame, because if done right it can shine a bright light into parts of a man's mind and soul that cannot be revealed in other ways. Yes, many cross-dressers do a horrendous job of using cross-dressing to connect and understand, but there are a few of us who actually see it that way.
So why all of this talk about fetish and acceptance? Well, I'm approaching the point in the relationship where I'll have to push hard to convert the initial hints I've been dropping -- constructively and well-timed, by the way -- into a better picture of who I am. I have to do it in a way that doesn't leave me driving around town late at night in the rain wondering how I could have messed up this great opportunity with this amazing person. There's a clock ticking... go too fast and I'm a pervert; go too slow and I've been lying through omission.
I'm tempted to do triage to simplify the problem, to just ignore the fetishes and desires and thoughts and the huge and wonderful world I have built inside my head. I could probably survive for quite a while going through the missionary motions while wondering what I gave up. That's not healthy. Neither is losing this relationship.
Ideally, we'd plumb the depths of our respective sexualities and become closer through them. Maybe she would enjoy having her home cleaned by a guy in a simple maid's dress who wants desperately for her to be happy. Maybe she would love to send me off to work with the key to my chastity device in her purse, giggling to herself through the day that she has that kind of power and control over me... and my loving every minute of it. Perhaps she wants to know what it's like to be the penetrator and would find the idea of playing with a strap-on to be fun, empowering, liberating.
Any of those scenarios is possible, but a realistic look at the chances tells me that I should not set my expectations around them. I do care for her desperately and want to represent myself as honestly as I can without losing her. Decades of allowing my mind to roam freely and develop layers of fetishes is working against me now. I have to find the right balance to consider myself whole while not wrecking what she and I have built. It's a hell of a tightrope, and I hate that I am so bad at these things.
The real question mark is that I don't even know if any of these fetishes CAN be undone. I'm sitting here right now with my chastity cage on, enjoying it thoroughly. I disposed of the bulk of my femme wardrobe out of fear that it would be found and raise questions I was not prepared to answer; but I'm craving the feeling of a pair of heels, thigh hose, miniskirt, bra, and top, long nails, and earrings.
There is no easy way to introduce those things or to make her understand the layers behind them: vulnerability, supression of ego, focus on pleasing, being controlled, used, enjoyed. How strong is the door on that closet? How much can it hold? Can I let a little bit out at a time without having all those "greasy car parts and dirty jock straps" come tumbling out? Can I be honest with her about who I am, claim that I'm being open and transparent, but please pay no attention to the pounding noises and flying paint chips from that door over there. Maybe the door will hold, and maybe it won't make any difference. Maybe that's the choice I'm left with: partial truth with her or wide-open fetish holiday alone. Neither is ideal.
Which will I chose?
What is for forever?
Good luck to everyone in finding happiness. I'm continuing to try.
Quietlisten
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