One of the things I like about the BDSM community is that its members tend to be a bit more socially open-minded than the norm. It certainly is not the case that "we are open minded and 'they' are not." There are plenty of supremacists of various stripes within "the community" and far too many who believe that they know the "one true way." The "typical person" is also more open minded than they are usually given credit for, even if it's in a whatever-floats-your-boat way.
There are still some things, though, that are still beyond the pale even for the most open of minds. The best example of this is the rigidity of gender roles. In a typical maledom couple, he is dressed in heavy and concealing clothing and provides for his alluring female submissive. In a typical femdom couple, he is dressed in some kind of heavy gear and provides for his alluring female dominant.
I get why women are alluring. Really, I do. Women are the standard of beauty upon which humanity evaluates all art and design, and that for very, very good reason. What I don't understand, though, is why women do not enjoy men in a physical sense, or tend not to do so in a way that anyone else will ever know. I have heard two arguments on this: 1) women care more about other aspects of men and discount their physical attractiveness, and 2) women need the positive social rewards of being attractive and want to preserve the one-sided equation in their favor.
Okay, now that I've pretty much pissed off every feminist on the planet, let me emphasize that these are not my personal beliefs, but when I express confusion on the topic, responses tend to fall into one of those two explanations. I'm not sure I buy either of them.
But, let me ask a few questions:
- Why is there no male analog to lingerie? Lingerie is designed to enhance a woman's body. The mere thought of trying to do that with a male body is openly laughed at in most social circles.
- Why are men expected to provide regardless of the power dynamic?
- Why is vulnerability considered bad in a man and good in a woman, even when the man is theoretically submissive to the woman? By "vulnerability," I mean both in dress (women wear heels, short skirts, and other items that look fantastic but are severely lacking in function and comfort) and in power (women tend to not have pockets and it's not odd for them to ask a man to hold her ID / money / etc.)
I've been called "gender fluid," mostly because my sexuality isn't all that rigidly defined. I LOVE to play with roles and expectations and plant high explosives at the base of social norms. This also means that I sometimes confuse people, because I don't operate off of the same script that so much of society takes for granted.
The other day I mentioned to a dear female friend that I had been out cycling that morning. She made a comment about happily imagining me in my spandex shorts. I suddenly felt like a sex object... and I really, really, really liked it. How wonderful to feel "packaged up" for a woman's enjoyment. It would have been wonderful to spend hours in some vulnerable and uncomfortable outfit that trussed, shaped, and displayed me to best advantage. How delicious it would be to have someone -- or a number of someones -- look me over directly, openly, and unashamed to be doing so.
I probably just melted some brains, or caused them to completely lose their indexing.
To be clear, I'm not talking about wholesale gender reversal, simply an opening of more channels for men to be pleasing to women. My own personal interest is in dominant women expanding their freedom of role and submissive men building a repertoire of visual and sexual appeal. There can never be a threat to the pole position that women hold in physical beauty, nor meaningful discount of the value of deferential men in sleek, pocketless clothes who surrender cash and keys to their dates. There is so much opportunity to play and experiment and try and enjoy without fear that ones identity will be destroyed forever.
I'm also not talking specifically about cross dressing, though it wouldn't hurt to lighten up on that topic, too. I'm wondering if there is more creativity in the minds and desires of women beyond tuxedos and boxer shorts.
I hope the unspoken barriers crumble sooner rather than later. I hope that people can learn to enjoy and be enjoyable in as many ways as possible without feeling threatened. I would love to see men and women enjoy each other in more and more ways. What could be wrong with that?
QL
