Skillz

It's not just Dominants who need to have skills for successful D/s play.  There are things that can make a submissive more "ready" to submit.  Lately, I've been playing with some of these as much for something to do sexually as for any particular purpose or expectation.

1:  Working regularly in what I call "maid mode," I've been exercising my "servant skills."  This regular embodiment of the attitude, personality, and presentation of an excellent, hardworking, and obedient housemaid allows me to enter into and stay productive in that role when called upon to do so.  I consider it a privilege to be in service to a Domme I respect and prefer to do "heavy" work (cleaning) in blocks of two to four hours and personal service for longer.  This means I need to be capable of being effective and focused on my role for those time frames, and be able to move effectively and naturally in the dress and heels.  I get annoyed at submissives who just want to dress up, wave a feather duster around a bit, then whine for a hand job.  They give the maid role a terrible reputation when it should be one of the most sought after and prized by Dommes.

2:  Wearing a chastity device requires stepped conditioning over time, as much as two to four weeks to accustom the body to long-term wear.  I've begun the process of training my body to wear a device without unnecessary chaffing or rash.  I'm currently not locked full time, but spending every other day or so wearing my Holy Trainer 2.  I don't like the idea of being locked up "permanently," but I would like to bring the greatest capability possible to any situation.

3:  Sexual control is a key aspect of almost any relationship a submissive will be in.  Chastity is a HUGE help here -- I put on my device when I start feeling strong arousal coming on -- but it isn't the end of the story.  I haven't had a full orgasm in over a week.  Instead, once the sexual tension builds up and I decide to grant myself relief, I use a Hitachi Magic Wand against my chastity device and a prostate massager to "take the edge off."  Being aroused and penetrated while locked is a thoroughly submissive experience, very different from a full orgasm.  It's similar to a "ruined" orgasm or "milking" and occurs deeper inside the body and emotions than a full ejaculation.  Feelings of post-relief regret are MUCH less pronounced than with an orgasm, and the refractory period is either nonexistent or very short.  Not only do I usually remain in a mostly submissive mindset, but I feel relieved that I do.  I'm experimenting to see if this type of relief is sufficient over a long period of time since it does move fluids and exercises some of the key plumbing.  Being easy to control and sexually maintain in a very submissive headspace could be a very attractive quality in a submissive, particularly if cuckolding is involved.

4:  I've set one of my computers up to display tasteful photos of women on a very slow rotation.  (No nudes or directly sexual photos!)  The simple presence of femininity in my universe keeps me feeling docile, a feeling I absolutely love.  This makes me feel grateful that I am so vulnerable and easy to manipulate, and that motivates me to be a better submissive.  The near-constant low-level arousal makes me crave being locked up so I don't orgasm in a selfish way.  It's a low-power, high-need state, and it makes me feel like a ripe fruit ready to be picked, helpless to do anything about it.  I like it a LOT.

So these are my current experiments in building submissive "skills."  Clearly, they are more mental and emotional than physical, but the ability to employ the physical aspects are key to being more "real" as a submissive, not just another selfish wanker.  Dommes get a bazillion of those.  I want to be far, far more.

Self Reward

I'm really busy right now. I mean professionally and personally.  There's just a lot of goodness and opportunity flying around at the moment.  It all takes effort to convert from opportunity to reality, though, and sometimes one just needs to be rewarded for hard work.  So I rewarded myself today.

I quit "working" after a short eight-hour day and slipped into a working (cotton) maid's uniform (very much like the one depicted below), apron, and low heels.  (And yes, my favorite chastity device.)  I did dishes, laundry, and scrubbed the kitchen and the bathrooms.  I swept up, straightened up, and overall made the house look nice.  It's been a long time since I stepped into the role of housemaid, and I enjoyed it very, very thoroughly.  I hope that in the near future I feel like I've worked hard enough to have earned the privilege of donning the servant's garb again.  The thought is highly motivating.

A privilege to be earned.

Haunted

I recently took a trip during which I was constantly on the move, didn't have much internet access, and typically had no privacy.  It was a great (and rare) laboratory experiment for what endures between my ears over time.  So what do I think about when completely away from the virtual world and daydreaming is all the "sex" I get?  Mostly no surprise, but there is a bit of a twist at the end.

First and foremost, I enjoy being polite, supportive, and deferential to capable women.  I value confidence (not bitchiness, which is a clear sign of a lack of confidence), and competence.  This holds true in general, across the spectrum of life, but is particularly highlighted when my mind turns to sexuality.  Capable women are just HOT.  The nicest outfit without the chutzpah behind it is just a silly costume.  Respect is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Secondly, I have sex with my mind, not my genitals.  This is true for everyone at some level, but I'm kind of off the scale in this regard.  I need to have my brain fucked.  Hard.  I'm a fan of power play in many forms, not so much sadomasochism.  I'm more turned on by having an emotional button pushed than by traditional sex.

These are topics that I have covered ad nauseum in other articles here.  So what's the "twist?"  Well, it's somewhat of a cascade of thoughts and emotions:

1.  I crave the mind-fuck of chastity.  Being locked up is a very sexual power dynamic.  But after three days, I'm getting emotionally vulnerable, too.  After five days, I'm desperate and totally in the power of the keyholder.  I love the feeling of being helpless to someone like that, to being sexually charged and emotionally stripped... and both of us knowing it.

2.  Here's the twist:  I have been really liking the idea of a female-open relationship.  Cuckolding.  With me locked up and mostly providing oral pleasure, she has the freedom to get laid.  I've already established that I like being emotionally supportive while also knowing that she is sexually empowered.  Many women really like traditionally masculine men, and I would need to know that her sexual needs were taken care of.   I absolutely cannot be "one of many," but I can see myself being in a loving primary relationship in which she can and does seek sex from others when she wishes or feels the need.

So, while I was gone, I fantasized incessantly about being a woman's faithful cuckold, earning the privilege of being locked up by her.  Yes, this may be a bit divorced from reality (cuckolding is a highly volatile topic in a real relationship and is difficult to execute well), and it intersects with other fantasies I have had (cross dressing / maid service).  But it's what has been haunting me for a while now.  I'm enjoying thinking about it, even if it's far from reality at the moment.

I fantasized about being who I am, not what society tells me I should be.  What do YOU think about when you are away from your typical comforts and rafts of social expectations?

Stretching

It has been over two weeks since I have been out of the Holy Trainer for more than a few hours of recovery and a thorough cleaning.  In that time, I have limited sexual release to "milking," a procedure that involves a prostate massager (Aneros) and a Hitachi against the HT while kneeling.  It is a very different kind of "release" and exercise of the prostate than a full-on orgasm.  It is less explosive, lasts a lot longer, and feels "deeper" in the body.  It also generates far less fluid and almost no pre-cum.

The purpose of all of this is to find out how my fantasies of being a beta male cuckold map to a partial reality.  It's simply too easy to promise based on desire and find reality to be a disappointment.  Experimentation is a good way to figure out what I am really up for and can deliver.

I have learned that I enjoy being locked up, but I'm not sure where the boundaries of that experience should be.  For now, I'm shooting for a month of lockdown with the keys available and two milkings per week.  After that, who knows?  I'm playing it by ear.

As an aside, I'm finding that my visual tastes are very much in a "public sexy" space right now.  I feel incredibly warm towards nicely-dressed women in general, and helpless to an hourglass presentation.  One-piece swimsuits are my Kryptonite, and that feels so, so delightful.  But an image of a naked female feels like tresspassing.  So "porn" to me right now is a swimsuit Tumblr.  That just adds to the beta cuckold sensation.  For now, that's welcome.

Conditioning

I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week.  It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning.  If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low.  But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.

Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT.  But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it.  It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself.  Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas.  A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.

My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort.  I'm getting closer every day.

One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental.  I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on.  I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on.  I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.

Incremental Progress

Locked.  Again.

During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up.  There's just something Pavlovian about heading home.  So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2.  After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.

Wow.  That was a short post, huh?  Oh, wait... there's more.

I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination.  Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend.  Yiy!  Some people just sleepwalk.  I sleeplock.  Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.

Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real."  I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers.  I should get access again around lunchtime today.  Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder.  (For the safe, not the device!)

But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time.  My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.

When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming:  I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device.  It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis.  At the time, I thought it was a minor difference.  Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.

I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device.  But it's a slower, deeper experience.  I've noticed that the "output" is different, too:  more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum.  The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat.  Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened.  In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact.  Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.

My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind.  Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues.  Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going.  A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Two Things

I've been thinking a bit about the two elements of chastity: the physical and the emotional.

The physical can be very enjoyable.  I actually enjoy being locked up.  The hard casing can feel like cock armor, and the sensation of bondage is calming to a submissive soul.  But over time, it is the first and most obvious limiting factor.  Most of the difficulties I've outlined in my notes here are about overcoming the physical barriers.

Emotional is the true draw.  I like the notion of being sexually "kept" by a woman.  The power exchange is undeniably sexual and neatly disposes of tradition and stereotype.  The changes that come over a man kept in chastity provide a kaleidoscope of emotional swirl, a roller coaster ride that is hard for some few women to pass up.

So far, I've overcome all of the physical barriers and am pretty convinced that I can find a way to tolerate lock-up if motivated to do so.  Which leaves us with the emotional.  That code I have not yet cracked.  Having my key held by a person of the female persuasion is not enough.  I need to care about her and want her to get deep inside my head, because that is where she will end up as my vulnerability swells.

As usual, I have done the easy part first, and it wasn't all that easy.  One of the supremely enjoyable aspects of life, though, is progressing against what once appeared to be impossible.  Who knows... maybe one day I'll struggle with both physical and emotional stresses.  I look forward to that day.

QL

So What?

Business has been hopping lately, so I've been on the road a lot.  As "problems" go, that's a pretty nice one to have.  But my recent experiments with chastity have somewhat been put on hold.

But not entirely.

Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip.  So, some activity.  But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.

One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question.  I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect.  It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else.  It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point.  Once again, I have tools.

With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people.  The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism:  crickets chirping.  No response.  At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him.  It just IS.

But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet.  In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items.  Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout.  Life is good.

I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days.  That feels good, almost care free.

The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment.  It's just something to work towards while I live my life.  When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages.  I'm interested in pushing boundaries.  Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.

Kind of a personal update, but there it is.  Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.

Double Interesting

I can orgasm in a chastity device.  I mean... hmmm.  Who knew?

Today I tried the prostate-stimulator-hitachi-on-the-holy-trainer trick again and it seriously worked.  Not as fast as yesterday, but after several minutes of getting worked up... *BAM*!  I'm pretty sure it was a full-on orgasm, but I wasn't erect, so I'm slightly confused.  All the other physiological reactions were there, it's just that I was locked up.

Who knows?  Maybe this is just a reaction to a new stimulation and things will calm down a little.  I'm in the device until at least Sunday, so I'll see how things progress.  If I wear it out of town next week and don't get any stimulation, then things may be different when I get home.

This post is just kind of wandering.  But I really didn't expect that much deep, pulsing pleasure while caged.  When expectations don't line up with reality, I often take a step back and have a good head scratch.  That's where I am now.  Scratching.  My head.

Any thoughts from out there in Internet Land?

Hmmmm....

Wow... That's Interesting

I arrived home this afternoon from my latest business trip.  There was a decent chance that my most recent purchases would be waiting for me, and I indeed found several boxes on my doorstep.  Woo hoo!  The key items include a Hitachi Magic Wand and 8-ounce squirt bottles.

My intent has been to conquer the last two problems in the way of long-term chastity device wear:  hygiene and prostate health.  Since I went on this trip unlocked, I changed into something less businesslike (nothing, actually) and locked my Holy Trainer 2 onto myself.  Then I put a condom and some lube on my Aneros-like prostate massager and placed it into position.  Once that was in place, I turned on the Hitachi and started to rub it around on the Holy Trainer.

Oh. My. God.

I was amazed at how fast the vibrations -- when propagating through my lower body cavity -- created extremely erotic sensations.  It didn't take long before I felt a familiar build-up.  Because I've never been close to any kind of release with a device on, I made no attempt to stifle or prolong things.  After several minutes, I felt what I can only describe as a partial orgasm.  There as a pumping sensation, but nothing came out.  After a few seconds, there was one more spasm and a significant ejaculation shot out.

I was genuinely surprised at this.  I expected frustration and little "production" during the first try, because I've had such a difficult time up until now.  But it worked flawlessly.

Some guys report not feeling any let-down of sexual tension when they release fluid like this.  But I felt a sense of physical relief.  It just wasn't an orgasm with the incredible feeling of satisfaction that I'm accustomed to.

My understanding is that to exercise the prostate I should be doing this every day or couple of days, pretty much as often as I would normally masturbate.  I'll try it a few times this weekend and see what happens.  I'm locked until Sunday morning, so might as well.

The other aspect is the hygiene part.  I've loaded up a bottle for a good cleaning in the morning.  Since I'm only locked for a few days, it's not a big deal.  But if I'm going on a trip locked, I should work out any bugs here first.  I bought a small soft toothbrush in case I can get it into the device.  Not sure I can, but it seemed worth a try.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I feel like I'm making progress and hope I continue to do so.

Again, thanks to Miss Bonnie and "Admin" over at Collar n' Cuffs for the "help" with this.  With friends like you, who needs enemies?  Haha.  "Help, help... my friends are trying to lock me up!!!"

Quick Update

So I'm locked up again, keys in the care of Strict Mistress at Keysafe.org.  I'm going for short stints for now, three to four days at a time so that I can keep the plumbing working.

I have received some great advice on prostate stimulation and cleaning, and my Hitachi Magic Wand should be here before long.  With luck, these minor adjustments will solve my plumbing problems.  With health taken care of, I can focus on extending my "stay."  Would be nice to go a month, just to see what that feels like.  Not sure how long I want to go.  I do have some things coming up on my calendar that will require not wearing a cage.  But they're a ways out right now.

Anyway, just wanted to post an update to let everyone know that I'm still active as I keep working on the last few issues.

Oh, and I'm typing this while wearing a short swing skirt and heels.  So there.

Preparing for Another Run

I've encountered two problems with extended chastity:

1)  cleaning and keeping everything inside healthy and hygienic, and
2)  keeping the plumbing from atrophying and causing health problems later in life.  (No use wearing a diaper sooner than I really need to.  Haha.)

The first appears to have been solved by Miss Bonnie over at Collar 'n Cuffs (thank you Miss Bonnie!!!) with her suggestion of using condiment squirt bottles to spray cleansing fluids into the device while showering.  I've ordered a couple of bottles and will see how well that works.  I suspect it will be a fine solution.

The second barrier is a bit tougher.  The prostate needs to be exercised at least every few days, daily if possible.  Without coming out of the device, the only real way to get the semen pump working is through direct contact and / or stimulation with vibration.  I tried the direct approach with little success.  In fact, the frustration was so great that it generated more anger than fluid.  So I'm trying the vibration approach.  I have a Hitachi headed my way, and it should be here in a couple of weeks.

My plan is to lock up and start trying after three or four days to get fluid flow going.  By day five, I'm typically pretty worked up, so I'm hoping that will work.  I'll keep reading and looking for techniques that work.  Suggestions are welcome.

This is the last barrier to long-term wear.  I have a device that seems to work, a lock box, and would really like to know what it's like to be locked up for a month or longer.  I know that my mind changes after three days, then again after about a week.  But I don't know where it goes from there.  And this really is all about twisting the mind, which is why I like it so much.

Look for another post in a week or ten days.  I'll lock up and hope the Hitachi is on time.  The we'll see what happens.  Okay, maybe I'll lock up for a few days at a time until then, just... because.  *whimper*

Getting "Over the Hump"

My plan for the weekend was to figure out how to keep my "plumbing" in order during long-term wear.  Health is my Number One consideration, obviously.  The most important two health-related issues with long-term wear are:  sanitation inside the device and keeping the prostate healthy.

Sunday afternoon I attempted to exercise the prostate. This is best done "from inside," but does take some practice.  I compounded the problem by doing a really bad job of cleaning out back there.  In the end, I was frustrated at being frustrated and made mess of the whole thing.

I'm travelling a bit for work at the moment and can't really do what I want when I want.  That throws another monkey wrench into the whole equation.  Even if I figured out the technique, I'm not sure when I'd get to apply what I learned.

Out of frustration, I took off the cage.  I was not thrilled with what I found.  A handful of very tiny blood vessels visible behind the corona, grey appearance to the head, and an awful stench.  Obviously, I'm not doing well enough in the hygiene department and will have to figure that out.

So, more obstacles to overcome.  In the short term, I made the decision to travel without the cage for a week and do some research.

But there is also the emotional side of things.  After a time -- it appears that with me two weeks is getting into the neighborhood -- my own personal kink isn't enough to keep the cage on.  I'm not sure how that would work if I was playing with someone who was into it.  I just don't know.  I had read that feelings get transferred to the keyholder, but I'm not sure what that would look like or feel like.

So, taking a week off while I figure some of this out.  I'll state as I have in the past that anyone who claims to just put a device on and wear it long term is lying.  It's not easy, though I admit that I probably make it harder than most.

Taking a break

So, I have my unlock code and have decided that I'm taking a break from the chastity experiment for a while.  The fact is that I don't have anyone to be chaste for.  That makes a huge difference, and I'm at the point in my journey at which I need the connection to keep going.

Also, my schedule is suddenly extraordinarily packed, so I'm going to focus on life in general for a bit and come back to this when it makes sense.  Will keep you all informed!  Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Plus and Minus

The lock on the Holy Trainer 2 is not a traditional padlock.  It is integrated into the device and is barely visible when everything is assembled.  To get the device on, one must have the key so that the mechanism can be shifted into the locked position before the key is removed.

This is a negative if a keyholder wishes to ship a lock sans keys to the wearer, or if a numbered disposable lock is preferred.

On the bright side, it makes for an ultra sleek device.  And if a wearer LIKES wearing the device, the keys can be controlled so that the HT2 can't be put on and locked.  How's that for double-reverse insane motivation alignment?

"You haven't been good enough to wear the chastity device."

"Nooooooo!  I'll be good, I swear!"

"Nope.  Keys stay locked up for now."

"Dammit."

Okay, I'm confused.  Time for bed.

Progression

I think that my lack of blogging here is a milestone in itself.  Yes, I'm still in the HT2, so far without complications or problems.  In fact, I'm not waking up so often at night, and I don't notice the device while out and about.  Yes, going to the bathroom still takes a small amount of planning, but that's not the big deal it once was.

The biggest surprise this time around is the emotional / sexual change.  I'm not as desperate as I was after a few days the first week I was in chastity.  Even though I "cleared the pipes" several times last weekend -- purely for health reasons, you understand -- the total sexual insanity endured during days 3 - 5 of lockdown are nowhere near as intense this time.  In fact, the device feels "safe" rather than like an infernal barrier.

And that brings me to the psychological changes.  While locked up, I feel less like a participant in the sexual dance and more like a neutral observer.  (Or is it neutered observer?)  I still absolutely LOVE being around women and all things feminine, but the constant male calculus of who might be flirting or like what she sees just isn't happening like it does when I'm not locked up.  I feel appreciation and admiration without a need to perform in a particular way.  So... feelings of safety times two.  What is up with that?

I will very soon -- as in this weekend -- have to figure out how to keep my prostate healthy while locked up.  If I can crack the code on that issue, then there is no reason I can't stay locked up for longer periods.  Intellectually, I understand the methods; but reading a post or article on "how to" does not help make it happen.  It's a learned sensation to some extent, and I have not yet learned it.

Strict Mistress at keysafe.org will give me the combination to my lock box by end of day tomorrow.  I'd like to just roll over into another period of lockdown, perhaps just go on a weekly cycle.  That rollover period will be my only chance to make some key adjustments, like offering keys to a potential keyholder or allowing authorized people to tweak my lockdown time and other settings.  I'll be thinking about that over the next day or so.  I've been ratcheting up the intensity pretty rapidly, and so far that has been fine.  I've ultimately been in control, and no third parties have really had much say in anything.  The progression I am going through looks something like:

1)  Lock device on for a few hours; work out wearability issues.
2)  Lock device on for a few days; carry keys with me at all times.
3)  Lock device on for a week; keep keys nearby.
4)  Lock device on for a week; lock keys in keysafe; keep safe master key accessible.
5)  Lock device on for a week at a time; update settings each week; lock keys in keysafe; master key accessible in emergency, but tamper evident. (This is where I am now.)
6)  Turn keys over to Keyholder;  lock device on for indefinite period; lock keys in keysafe; master key remotely accessible in an extreme emergency, but tamper evident and / or under someone else's control.


Oh, and I've been toying with a design for an Arduino module that goes in a keysafe and reports a log to the keyholder via wireless e-mail, so she/he knows any time the safe has been opened or moved.  Am I nuts?!

In The Groove

There's really not a ton to post today.  I'm getting through my days just fine with some minor adjustments here and there.   I trimmed neatly before putting the cage on, so there is slightly less "padding," but that doesn't seem to have changed much about the experience.

I did run this morning, a bit shy of 6.5 miles.  But now that's nothing new.  I'm actually quite comfortable locked.

Emotionally, Day 3 is when the struggle begins.  It hits peak on Day 5.  If I post, it will likely be about that.  Since I've never gone more than a week, I don't know what happens to my brain after that length of time.  It will be interesting to find out.  It kind of feels like just waiting right now.

Perhaps that will change.

Testing, Testing... 1, 2, 3....

I registered my safe with the Keysafe site and they were really quick in getting my account set up.  My keys are locked in the safe and only Strict Mistress has the combination now.  I've forgotten it.  I remember that there are two 4s towards the end.  If I really wanted to remember, I could do it.  But I specifically don't.

The current lockdown period is only for three days or so... not a huge deal.  I also brought a manual key and the safe itself on this trip -- nice to be driving and not flying -- just in case there are problems.  Baby steps.  But my hope is that I can extend my time if all is going well and get the feel of not having the keys quickly accessible.  I'll also vet out the safe and the site to make sure I know how everything works prior to giving up more control for longer.

Interesting journey.  I didn't think I'd make it this far, but here I am.  And craving more, too.  Yikes!  How deep is the rabbit hole?

I'm IN!

What am I thinking?  I mean... why lock myself back in this contraption?  Oh, but my insanity gets even better.

Today I bought an actual programmable lockbox that will act as my keysafe.  Yes, I can pry the thing open without using the combination, but I can get out of the actual chastity device if so motivated, too.  It's a matter of scale of effort and what I care about.  The safe can take an 8-digit combination, so I'll likely use it in conjunction with the keysafe.org web site... what they call their "Model 50" safe.  There is only one person there (automated keyholders excepted) that I care to give my keys to.  And we haven't really discussed it yet.  So this is mostly my little experiment.

I'm shooting for two weeks this time, doubling my previous record.  Not sure why that is appealing to me, but it is.  I'll keep everyone informed as to my journey, though daily updates are not very likely.

Baby steps.

Next Steps

I've spent the weekend out of the HT2, and I have to say that for some activities that is a huge relief.  Surprisingly, running doesn't seem to be a problem, though I have had to stop wearing triathlon shorts for that... baggy works better.  I did, however, spend a lot of time doing yard work in old jeans.  Old jeans shrink, and there is a lot of bending over while doing yard work.  So, not good for wearing a device that might just crush things that shouldn't be crushed.  I could probably find a way to live with it -- wearing baggy shorts, for instance -- but there is a reason I wear old jeans while doing things like clearing brush... they protect.

The past couple of days have taught me that the feelings towards women that I have while locked are different than the ones I have while not.  It's not a difference between "better" or "worse," it's just a different tint.  When I'm locked up, I feel more comfortable NOT pursuing in a directly sexual way, as if I've been relieved of social expectations of "maleness."  I feel like I want to support and appreciate more, and more broadly.  And I feel a lovely, pervasive sense of deference.

That's not to say that sexual attraction goes away, in fact in one sense it intensifies greatly.  I'm a huge fan of the female form and all things feminine.  By about Day 5 of being locked up, every hourglass figure snatches my attention regardless of any attempt to concentrate on something else.  A whiff of perfume or a nice pair of shoes or hair tucked behind the ear can send all mental activity off of thoughtful rails and into the chaotic ravine of built-up tension.  I really, really enjoy being that manipulable, feeling the cage remind me that I am in a sexual prison.  There is a background neediness that pervades every aspect of thought.

Chastity is sexual control, hopefully quite caring.  It is also a way to bend the mind using the sex drive and open new ways of relating and interacting with women.  It can also be a direct tool for punishment and reward, though whether extending lockup time represents "punishment" or "reward" depends a lot on circumstance and relationship between keyholder and locked.  But just as a side note, it is NOT a way to make orgasms more mind-blowing; it does take one or two orgasms to get all functions working like normal.

So far, I have retained control of my keys.  I suspect that a keyholder would command some part of my mind and sexual identity in a very profound way.  It's not clear to me how that "bubble of control" would make me see the world around me, or how I would feel about my keyholder immediately or over time.  I think I would enjoy the sense of needy deference, the very real power she would have over me.  This is something I would like to explore more with someone who was interested in me as a person.

To date, I have only been locked up for a week.  That's not a lot of time in chastity terms.  I was experiencing some slight soreness from the ring of the device, but I doubt that could not be overcome.  I have fears about prostate health and ability to function long term if I partake in chastity more regularly... or a lot.  So, I'll do some reading and figure out what boundaries make sense.

There hasn't really been a point to this note yet.  So I'll just try to wrap it up:  chastity play is more possible than I thought, and I am hoping to dive deeper into it.  Who knows how deeply the rabbit hole goes?  This evening, there may be a *click* sound with no idea when the *unclick* might happen.