As I mentioned in another post, I recently tried an experiment in chastity. I found it to be extremely powerful. Not only did it make me feel thoroughly sexual, but the frustration of it played with my mind in a very fundamental way. As time went on, I became emotionally dependent on approval from my keyholder to the extent that I wondered what I would NOT do for her. I felt docile, hungry (see my blog post on that subject), and extremely sexually charged. That's when something inexplicable happened: instead of being desperate to be allowed release, I wanted to be kept on edge, puppet to her will, tuned and ready. Locked and owned.
It was a temporary experiment and one which I thoroughly enjoyed. Since then I've had total freedom but find myself reading about male chastity, remembering that desperate need to please and earn approval. But even if I bought a device and was locked up, the most important ingredient would be missing: her. Trust was my payment in our exchange, and that made it possible for me to enjoy the sensations and mind games of chastity. And without being under her protection, I would be vulnerable under lock and key to almost any woman who wanted to manipulate me. Yes, it's that powerful. Its powerful enough to make me read up on prostate massage and milking, to wake up thinking about butt plugs and remote-controlled vibrating eggs. Yes, the mind gets odd and dives down all sorts of rabbit holes when it's bathed in sexual chemicals.
I'm not likely to do anything more with this until I find a woman to share it with, someone I trust. I think that of my quirks this is probably the least shocking (and maybe most pleasing?) to an open-minded woman and could be a great way to establish a relationship if she's already in the kinky camp. (Should a man get down on both knees to offer his keys to a woman?) In the mean time, I seem to be relieving myself more and enjoying it less than ever before. I'm not sure why. But, then, sex and relationships and power exchange are all strange things that don't always have clear answers.
Quietlisten
(Cross-Posted to http://collarncuffs.com)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Time
Everyone has periods in their lives during which time is an impossibly scarce commodity. It's the one thing we cannot create, we can only use more efficiently. I'm in one of those crunch periods: up at 5:00, running flat out through a day of event and task triage, finally realizing that it's 10:00 and I need to get to bed soon so I'm not exhausted the next day. I'm two weeks into the current stretch, and should clear it in a few days. But it got me thinking...
Triage can be a great thing. When I'm under the gun and having to make decisions about what gets done and what gets booted from my schedule, I'm telling myself what is truly important to me. I'll find a way to fit in important things. Lately I've been spending very little time on my own direct sexual pleasure and release, and significant time on relationships. I'm also still spending time making sure I'm communicative as a submissive male in the sea of submissive males. I cannot, it seems, stay away from the idea of finding a woman I match closely.
Lack of time has postponed a few experiments, though. I wanted to try out a chastity device and explore that a little further, though not sure exactly where I want it to go. (My intuition tells me that it's the attitude and intent of the woman holding the key that is as important as the fact of the chastity itself.) I'm also in a little bit of a dressing cycle, but I just don't have time to put myself together in a respectful, feminine way between dashes in and out for one event, task, or other. Does this mean that these things are not important to me? Or am I simply unwilling to do them half way?
Crunch time isn't really a problem, because it's temporary and part of the way I've structured my time. And it pays for a lot of wonderful things in my wonderful life. I know play time is coming, relaxation to match the all-out dash I'm running now. I just don't know yet whether I'll be spending that more-relaxed time in a chastity cage, skirt, and heels.
Time will tell.
Quietlisten
Triage can be a great thing. When I'm under the gun and having to make decisions about what gets done and what gets booted from my schedule, I'm telling myself what is truly important to me. I'll find a way to fit in important things. Lately I've been spending very little time on my own direct sexual pleasure and release, and significant time on relationships. I'm also still spending time making sure I'm communicative as a submissive male in the sea of submissive males. I cannot, it seems, stay away from the idea of finding a woman I match closely.
Lack of time has postponed a few experiments, though. I wanted to try out a chastity device and explore that a little further, though not sure exactly where I want it to go. (My intuition tells me that it's the attitude and intent of the woman holding the key that is as important as the fact of the chastity itself.) I'm also in a little bit of a dressing cycle, but I just don't have time to put myself together in a respectful, feminine way between dashes in and out for one event, task, or other. Does this mean that these things are not important to me? Or am I simply unwilling to do them half way?
Crunch time isn't really a problem, because it's temporary and part of the way I've structured my time. And it pays for a lot of wonderful things in my wonderful life. I know play time is coming, relaxation to match the all-out dash I'm running now. I just don't know yet whether I'll be spending that more-relaxed time in a chastity cage, skirt, and heels.
Time will tell.
Quietlisten
Monday, May 4, 2009
Room
I spent part of my weekend re-arranging the garage. I've several projects going on out there to the extent that the car no longer fit. With some effort, though, I was able to make room through neatly crating and creatively stacking and shelving in two storage spaces. Now I can get the car in. But I can barely move inside the storage spaces beyond removing crates and boxes, and to un-pack them I'd have to move the car outside again.
I find this situation hilarious, particularly since I just bought this house less than a year ago and at the time couldn't imagine how I'd use all the space.
What does this have to do with the topic of this blog? Well, I tend to go on and on about my search for my Domme. There are so many things I'd want to share, learn, explore with her. Whole swaths of my mind and emotions can only be tapped into by "her," and I'm eager to get glimpses into those places.
But my life is full. I was running solid until 10:00 every night last week (no, not partying) and I rarely get out of bed later than 5:30; 4:30 when I'm in training. Even on weekends I have to calendar events and tasks on my Blackberry to fit everything in. THIS IS NOT A COMPLAINT! This is my choice and my consequence. My reservoir of interests and curiosity seems to be inexhaustible and I choose to live as broadly and deeply as I can, given time, energy, and money.
But where would "she" fit in? She's not going to stand out in the rain while my boxes of stuff stay neatly stacked in storage. I also don't want to dump too many of my little passions, medium-sized projects, or those big life-long goals that make people gasp "you really DID that?" At the moment, these things define me, and I share them with anyone who will listen or participate.
I know my view on the world will change once I fall under her spell, that much of what is in that space will seem like junk when re-evaluated under new, less-spotty and less-dingy light. And it is fear, loneliness, and insecurity that causes us to clutch insignificant things closely to us.
Perhaps, then, all that stuff isn't really a barrier. Perhaps it's an indication, a dashboard readout of whether I've found her. As the stacks of crates disappear, the physical bar-graph indicating fear, loneliness, and insecurity will drop until there is ample floorspace, my long-awaited other held close.
Quietlisten
(Cross-Posted from Collar 'n Cuffs web site blog: collarncuffs.com)
I find this situation hilarious, particularly since I just bought this house less than a year ago and at the time couldn't imagine how I'd use all the space.
What does this have to do with the topic of this blog? Well, I tend to go on and on about my search for my Domme. There are so many things I'd want to share, learn, explore with her. Whole swaths of my mind and emotions can only be tapped into by "her," and I'm eager to get glimpses into those places.
But my life is full. I was running solid until 10:00 every night last week (no, not partying) and I rarely get out of bed later than 5:30; 4:30 when I'm in training. Even on weekends I have to calendar events and tasks on my Blackberry to fit everything in. THIS IS NOT A COMPLAINT! This is my choice and my consequence. My reservoir of interests and curiosity seems to be inexhaustible and I choose to live as broadly and deeply as I can, given time, energy, and money.
But where would "she" fit in? She's not going to stand out in the rain while my boxes of stuff stay neatly stacked in storage. I also don't want to dump too many of my little passions, medium-sized projects, or those big life-long goals that make people gasp "you really DID that?" At the moment, these things define me, and I share them with anyone who will listen or participate.
I know my view on the world will change once I fall under her spell, that much of what is in that space will seem like junk when re-evaluated under new, less-spotty and less-dingy light. And it is fear, loneliness, and insecurity that causes us to clutch insignificant things closely to us.
Perhaps, then, all that stuff isn't really a barrier. Perhaps it's an indication, a dashboard readout of whether I've found her. As the stacks of crates disappear, the physical bar-graph indicating fear, loneliness, and insecurity will drop until there is ample floorspace, my long-awaited other held close.
Quietlisten
(Cross-Posted from Collar 'n Cuffs web site blog: collarncuffs.com)
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