It has been over two weeks since I have been out of the Holy Trainer for more than a few hours of recovery and a thorough cleaning. In that time, I have limited sexual release to "milking," a procedure that involves a prostate massager (Aneros) and a Hitachi against the HT while kneeling. It is a very different kind of "release" and exercise of the prostate than a full-on orgasm. It is less explosive, lasts a lot longer, and feels "deeper" in the body. It also generates far less fluid and almost no pre-cum.
The purpose of all of this is to find out how my fantasies of being a beta male cuckold map to a partial reality. It's simply too easy to promise based on desire and find reality to be a disappointment. Experimentation is a good way to figure out what I am really up for and can deliver.
I have learned that I enjoy being locked up, but I'm not sure where the boundaries of that experience should be. For now, I'm shooting for a month of lockdown with the keys available and two milkings per week. After that, who knows? I'm playing it by ear.
As an aside, I'm finding that my visual tastes are very much in a "public sexy" space right now. I feel incredibly warm towards nicely-dressed women in general, and helpless to an hourglass presentation. One-piece swimsuits are my Kryptonite, and that feels so, so delightful. But an image of a naked female feels like tresspassing. So "porn" to me right now is a swimsuit Tumblr. That just adds to the beta cuckold sensation. For now, that's welcome.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Conditioning
I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week. It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning. If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low. But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.
Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT. But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it. It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself. Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas. A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.
My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort. I'm getting closer every day.
One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental. I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on. I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on. I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.
Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT. But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it. It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself. Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas. A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.
My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort. I'm getting closer every day.
One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental. I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on. I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on. I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Incremental Progress
Locked. Again.
During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up. There's just something Pavlovian about heading home. So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2. After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.
Wow. That was a short post, huh? Oh, wait... there's more.
I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination. Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend. Yiy! Some people just sleepwalk. I sleeplock. Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.
Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real." I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers. I should get access again around lunchtime today. Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder. (For the safe, not the device!)
But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time. My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.
When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming: I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device. It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis. At the time, I thought it was a minor difference. Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.
I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device. But it's a slower, deeper experience. I've noticed that the "output" is different, too: more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum. The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat. Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened. In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact. Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.
My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind. Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues. Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going. A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.
I'll let you know how it goes.
During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up. There's just something Pavlovian about heading home. So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2. After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.
Wow. That was a short post, huh? Oh, wait... there's more.
I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination. Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend. Yiy! Some people just sleepwalk. I sleeplock. Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.
Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real." I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers. I should get access again around lunchtime today. Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder. (For the safe, not the device!)
But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time. My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.
When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming: I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device. It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis. At the time, I thought it was a minor difference. Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.
I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device. But it's a slower, deeper experience. I've noticed that the "output" is different, too: more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum. The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat. Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened. In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact. Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.
My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind. Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues. Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going. A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)