Self Reward

I'm really busy right now. I mean professionally and personally.  There's just a lot of goodness and opportunity flying around at the moment.  It all takes effort to convert from opportunity to reality, though, and sometimes one just needs to be rewarded for hard work.  So I rewarded myself today.

I quit "working" after a short eight-hour day and slipped into a working (cotton) maid's uniform (very much like the one depicted below), apron, and low heels.  (And yes, my favorite chastity device.)  I did dishes, laundry, and scrubbed the kitchen and the bathrooms.  I swept up, straightened up, and overall made the house look nice.  It's been a long time since I stepped into the role of housemaid, and I enjoyed it very, very thoroughly.  I hope that in the near future I feel like I've worked hard enough to have earned the privilege of donning the servant's garb again.  The thought is highly motivating.

A privilege to be earned.

Haunted

I recently took a trip during which I was constantly on the move, didn't have much internet access, and typically had no privacy.  It was a great (and rare) laboratory experiment for what endures between my ears over time.  So what do I think about when completely away from the virtual world and daydreaming is all the "sex" I get?  Mostly no surprise, but there is a bit of a twist at the end.

First and foremost, I enjoy being polite, supportive, and deferential to capable women.  I value confidence (not bitchiness, which is a clear sign of a lack of confidence), and competence.  This holds true in general, across the spectrum of life, but is particularly highlighted when my mind turns to sexuality.  Capable women are just HOT.  The nicest outfit without the chutzpah behind it is just a silly costume.  Respect is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Secondly, I have sex with my mind, not my genitals.  This is true for everyone at some level, but I'm kind of off the scale in this regard.  I need to have my brain fucked.  Hard.  I'm a fan of power play in many forms, not so much sadomasochism.  I'm more turned on by having an emotional button pushed than by traditional sex.

These are topics that I have covered ad nauseum in other articles here.  So what's the "twist?"  Well, it's somewhat of a cascade of thoughts and emotions:

1.  I crave the mind-fuck of chastity.  Being locked up is a very sexual power dynamic.  But after three days, I'm getting emotionally vulnerable, too.  After five days, I'm desperate and totally in the power of the keyholder.  I love the feeling of being helpless to someone like that, to being sexually charged and emotionally stripped... and both of us knowing it.

2.  Here's the twist:  I have been really liking the idea of a female-open relationship.  Cuckolding.  With me locked up and mostly providing oral pleasure, she has the freedom to get laid.  I've already established that I like being emotionally supportive while also knowing that she is sexually empowered.  Many women really like traditionally masculine men, and I would need to know that her sexual needs were taken care of.   I absolutely cannot be "one of many," but I can see myself being in a loving primary relationship in which she can and does seek sex from others when she wishes or feels the need.

So, while I was gone, I fantasized incessantly about being a woman's faithful cuckold, earning the privilege of being locked up by her.  Yes, this may be a bit divorced from reality (cuckolding is a highly volatile topic in a real relationship and is difficult to execute well), and it intersects with other fantasies I have had (cross dressing / maid service).  But it's what has been haunting me for a while now.  I'm enjoying thinking about it, even if it's far from reality at the moment.

I fantasized about being who I am, not what society tells me I should be.  What do YOU think about when you are away from your typical comforts and rafts of social expectations?

Vulnerability Flipped

I need to re-iterate something I've said many times, but which cannot be over stressed.  One of the greatest joys I feel as a submissive male is the sense of instant deference when in the presence of femininity.  I'm just hard-wired with a reaction to curves, smile, eyes and grace to be pleasing and supportive, almost hyper-gentlemanly.  With enough effort, I can squelch this reaction and act more as society expects, but I much prefer to be myself and enjoy being deferential.  I LOVE the power that femininity has over me, and as I age (and hopefully become wiser) I am less prone to apologize for that.

So, with that in mind, I wanted to share some thoughts about twisting social assumptions regarding sexuality.  Historically, women have been viewed as sex objects for the enjoyment of men, powerless and buffeted by patriarchal norms, packaged for viewing pleasure and valued in relation to the degree to which they fit into a male-dominated world.  But this set of assumptions blows up as soon as the men in the situation are hard-wired submissives who become more deferential with increasing arousal.  Then the power dynamic flips.  That attractiveness becomes a psychological leash, far more steadfast and enduring than any chain.

As a submissive male, I love the feeling of this mental leash being gently tugged, whether intentionally on the part of the woman or not.  The only thing that feels better is an intentional and decidedly more purposeful tug, an acknowledgement of this power by both parties.

All of these thoughts came from an image I came across recently.  I don't have the image itself to share, but it was a pool scene, a casual get-together or informal party.  Some people were in the water, others were lounging in swimwear, and still others were milling about in casual clothes.  One woman was wearing a bikini with halter ties on the top and hip ties on the bottom.  Knots were tied such that a single tug would make the garment fall apart.

My first thought was:  "It must feel so vulnerable to wear something like that."  I have to admit that my penchant for feeling vulnerable kicked in and I felt a little jealous.  How lovely to be in that position.

The second thought, though, didn't take long to form.  That knot only represents her vulnerability to excessively aggressive guys (thugs, really) who would consider tugging the knot open, probably after they paired off to get to know each other better.  But it also represents a statement of fact to the more submissive:  "I can wear this with confidence that you will never touch without permission, and probably not even then."  It's a statement of sexual power and confidence:  "I can wear this and not be vulnerable to you... you are vulnerable to me."

That's totally hot.

The very same clothing that gets such a horrible social rap -- high heels, push-up bras, flimsy fabrics -- represents within the context of empowered women and deferential men a rich language of power often flipped from traditional feminist thinking.  Personally, I think most men are submissive and that many, many more would express this if it was more celebrated in society and desired by more women.  Far more likely to me that feminine fashion triggers deep psychological longing than just a passing surface appreciation in the typical male.

But that's just my own mind at work.  As a sample of one, I'm just going to continue enjoying the feeling of powerlessness in the face of femininity, the need to defer to the dare of curves and fluid motion.  As I maintain eye contact despite cleavage or a short skirt or a barely-tied-on bikini, I telegraph our mutual understanding of her right to sexual power and my joy in deferring to that.

Giving It A Go

Sometimes you just have to give ideas a whirl.  This is particularly true when you are the only one on the planet who thinks it may be a good idea.  Maybe that's just when it's the most fun.

I exposited at length in my post titled Eye Candy that I thought it would be nice to adopt and adapt some of the more enjoyably submissive attributes of femininity without trying to look like a woman or giving up my own identity.  I mused about the possibility of tossing gender convention to the wind and simply enjoying parts of me that are not appreciated by others.

As a reminder of the attributes I am trying to incorporate into this "look:"

1.  Tight-fitting and revealing clothes that present the wearer as a blatant sex object.  LOTS of skin showing, and little left to the imagination, every curve defined and open to public scrutiny.

That "little left to the imagination" part is taken to the extreme of not hiding ANY part of the anatomy.  In fact, showcasing it as specifically NOT being hidden.  I'm not trying to weird people out here, just experimenting with the same kind of attitude that society routinely takes with women's bodies.  Oh, and using shiny and metallic fabrics should add an exclamation point behind the statement.

2. Using cut and material to make the body above the waist "technically" covered, but entirely visible.

3. No pockets or place to hide hands, wallet, or other objects.  This leaves the wearer psychologically and functionally "nude."

4. Shoes that are not overtly female (stiletto heel, for example), yet do have a feminine feel to them.  A slight prop to the back of the foot can shape calves, quads, and butt to make a more pleasing image.

5. Tasteful touches of submission, such as a thin steel collar and/or cuffs.

6. Very, very careful use of cosmetics, perhaps a touch of lip gloss or mascara to highlight without looking "made up."  This is a tough one and very much based on personal taste.  It can go a long way to melt any remaining machismo.

Over the past couple of days, I've been making progress on the purchasing front, and I hope to get started in earnest with the presentation experiments over the coming weekend.  There is still much to do.  But what I have started with is partially represented on this page:

- Metallic workout shorts, high-waisted and very little inseam, tight-fitting and stretchy metallic dance shorts, and shiny disco shorts are all on their way to my home.

- Two mesh tops (one with the chest exposed) are on order.

- Dainty wedge heel leather oxfords should arrive soon, too.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be shopping for some additional items.  I think that nipple clamps joined by a light chain would look great under the mesh top.  Also, thin steel wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar would look fantastic, cast the wearer solidly (and pleasantly) into a totally submissive role, and provide great utility for the use of Dominants.*  These are extraordinarily expensive, though, so if anyone knows where they can be found at a reasonable price, please let me know.

So it's going to be an "interesting" weekend.  I'll let both of my readers know how it goes and if any of this meets my rather steep expectations.  There is a lot of work to do -- for example, hair may look horrible in specific places -- but I've been thinking about this for a long time.  It's time to stop thinking and start playing.

Anybody have any thoughts or ideas?  Am I missing anything obvious?  Thanks for reading.  I'll be posting soon, I'm sure... so long as the mail is running somewhat on time.

* For ultimate "utility," why not add some sort of a tasteful leg garter strung with half a dozen small oval carabiners that could be used by a Domme to connect two or more cuffs/collar?

Stretching

It has been over two weeks since I have been out of the Holy Trainer for more than a few hours of recovery and a thorough cleaning.  In that time, I have limited sexual release to "milking," a procedure that involves a prostate massager (Aneros) and a Hitachi against the HT while kneeling.  It is a very different kind of "release" and exercise of the prostate than a full-on orgasm.  It is less explosive, lasts a lot longer, and feels "deeper" in the body.  It also generates far less fluid and almost no pre-cum.

The purpose of all of this is to find out how my fantasies of being a beta male cuckold map to a partial reality.  It's simply too easy to promise based on desire and find reality to be a disappointment.  Experimentation is a good way to figure out what I am really up for and can deliver.

I have learned that I enjoy being locked up, but I'm not sure where the boundaries of that experience should be.  For now, I'm shooting for a month of lockdown with the keys available and two milkings per week.  After that, who knows?  I'm playing it by ear.

As an aside, I'm finding that my visual tastes are very much in a "public sexy" space right now.  I feel incredibly warm towards nicely-dressed women in general, and helpless to an hourglass presentation.  One-piece swimsuits are my Kryptonite, and that feels so, so delightful.  But an image of a naked female feels like tresspassing.  So "porn" to me right now is a swimsuit Tumblr.  That just adds to the beta cuckold sensation.  For now, that's welcome.

Conditioning

I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week.  It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning.  If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low.  But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.

Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT.  But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it.  It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself.  Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas.  A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.

My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort.  I'm getting closer every day.

One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental.  I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on.  I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on.  I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.

Incremental Progress

Locked.  Again.

During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up.  There's just something Pavlovian about heading home.  So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2.  After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.

Wow.  That was a short post, huh?  Oh, wait... there's more.

I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination.  Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend.  Yiy!  Some people just sleepwalk.  I sleeplock.  Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.

Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real."  I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers.  I should get access again around lunchtime today.  Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder.  (For the safe, not the device!)

But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time.  My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.

When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming:  I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device.  It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis.  At the time, I thought it was a minor difference.  Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.

I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device.  But it's a slower, deeper experience.  I've noticed that the "output" is different, too:  more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum.  The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat.  Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened.  In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact.  Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.

My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind.  Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues.  Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going.  A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.

I'll let you know how it goes.