Quiet

It's been quiet here for some time.  That's a good thing, in this case... good in the best possible way.

I found somebody.

More than that, I found "the" somebody.

She's amazing in every possible way, and the speed at which we combined lives and began our together journey was simply stunning.  We mesh mentally, emotionally, and in every possible way.  I had a pretty good head start in the kink department, but she's catching up fast, threatening to pass.

Specifically what we do together is, of course, private.  But I will say that we are experimenting with chastity and feminization to the extent of playing with "role-reversed 1950s household" themes.  She has preferences in presentation and has bought me several dresses to wear for her while I make dinner, tidy up, and bring wine to her.

It's not all kink and play.  We have very full lives and sometimes go way too long before realizing we've gotten further away from kink than we had intended.  But it's always there waiting for us to return.

Exploring with someone else is completely different from doing so alone.  Talking things through with another person and having someone to connect with on such an intimate level is more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined.

We waited a long time for each other.  But that wait seems nothing now.
  

Skillz

It's not just Dominants who need to have skills for successful D/s play.  There are things that can make a submissive more "ready" to submit.  Lately, I've been playing with some of these as much for something to do sexually as for any particular purpose or expectation.

1:  Working regularly in what I call "maid mode," I've been exercising my "servant skills."  This regular embodiment of the attitude, personality, and presentation of an excellent, hardworking, and obedient housemaid allows me to enter into and stay productive in that role when called upon to do so.  I consider it a privilege to be in service to a Domme I respect and prefer to do "heavy" work (cleaning) in blocks of two to four hours and personal service for longer.  This means I need to be capable of being effective and focused on my role for those time frames, and be able to move effectively and naturally in the dress and heels.  I get annoyed at submissives who just want to dress up, wave a feather duster around a bit, then whine for a hand job.  They give the maid role a terrible reputation when it should be one of the most sought after and prized by Dommes.

2:  Wearing a chastity device requires stepped conditioning over time, as much as two to four weeks to accustom the body to long-term wear.  I've begun the process of training my body to wear a device without unnecessary chaffing or rash.  I'm currently not locked full time, but spending every other day or so wearing my Holy Trainer 2.  I don't like the idea of being locked up "permanently," but I would like to bring the greatest capability possible to any situation.

3:  Sexual control is a key aspect of almost any relationship a submissive will be in.  Chastity is a HUGE help here -- I put on my device when I start feeling strong arousal coming on -- but it isn't the end of the story.  I haven't had a full orgasm in over a week.  Instead, once the sexual tension builds up and I decide to grant myself relief, I use a Hitachi Magic Wand against my chastity device and a prostate massager to "take the edge off."  Being aroused and penetrated while locked is a thoroughly submissive experience, very different from a full orgasm.  It's similar to a "ruined" orgasm or "milking" and occurs deeper inside the body and emotions than a full ejaculation.  Feelings of post-relief regret are MUCH less pronounced than with an orgasm, and the refractory period is either nonexistent or very short.  Not only do I usually remain in a mostly submissive mindset, but I feel relieved that I do.  I'm experimenting to see if this type of relief is sufficient over a long period of time since it does move fluids and exercises some of the key plumbing.  Being easy to control and sexually maintain in a very submissive headspace could be a very attractive quality in a submissive, particularly if cuckolding is involved.

4:  I've set one of my computers up to display tasteful photos of women on a very slow rotation.  (No nudes or directly sexual photos!)  The simple presence of femininity in my universe keeps me feeling docile, a feeling I absolutely love.  This makes me feel grateful that I am so vulnerable and easy to manipulate, and that motivates me to be a better submissive.  The near-constant low-level arousal makes me crave being locked up so I don't orgasm in a selfish way.  It's a low-power, high-need state, and it makes me feel like a ripe fruit ready to be picked, helpless to do anything about it.  I like it a LOT.

So these are my current experiments in building submissive "skills."  Clearly, they are more mental and emotional than physical, but the ability to employ the physical aspects are key to being more "real" as a submissive, not just another selfish wanker.  Dommes get a bazillion of those.  I want to be far, far more.

Self Reward

I'm really busy right now. I mean professionally and personally.  There's just a lot of goodness and opportunity flying around at the moment.  It all takes effort to convert from opportunity to reality, though, and sometimes one just needs to be rewarded for hard work.  So I rewarded myself today.

I quit "working" after a short eight-hour day and slipped into a working (cotton) maid's uniform (very much like the one depicted below), apron, and low heels.  (And yes, my favorite chastity device.)  I did dishes, laundry, and scrubbed the kitchen and the bathrooms.  I swept up, straightened up, and overall made the house look nice.  It's been a long time since I stepped into the role of housemaid, and I enjoyed it very, very thoroughly.  I hope that in the near future I feel like I've worked hard enough to have earned the privilege of donning the servant's garb again.  The thought is highly motivating.

A privilege to be earned.

Haunted

I recently took a trip during which I was constantly on the move, didn't have much internet access, and typically had no privacy.  It was a great (and rare) laboratory experiment for what endures between my ears over time.  So what do I think about when completely away from the virtual world and daydreaming is all the "sex" I get?  Mostly no surprise, but there is a bit of a twist at the end.

First and foremost, I enjoy being polite, supportive, and deferential to capable women.  I value confidence (not bitchiness, which is a clear sign of a lack of confidence), and competence.  This holds true in general, across the spectrum of life, but is particularly highlighted when my mind turns to sexuality.  Capable women are just HOT.  The nicest outfit without the chutzpah behind it is just a silly costume.  Respect is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Secondly, I have sex with my mind, not my genitals.  This is true for everyone at some level, but I'm kind of off the scale in this regard.  I need to have my brain fucked.  Hard.  I'm a fan of power play in many forms, not so much sadomasochism.  I'm more turned on by having an emotional button pushed than by traditional sex.

These are topics that I have covered ad nauseum in other articles here.  So what's the "twist?"  Well, it's somewhat of a cascade of thoughts and emotions:

1.  I crave the mind-fuck of chastity.  Being locked up is a very sexual power dynamic.  But after three days, I'm getting emotionally vulnerable, too.  After five days, I'm desperate and totally in the power of the keyholder.  I love the feeling of being helpless to someone like that, to being sexually charged and emotionally stripped... and both of us knowing it.

2.  Here's the twist:  I have been really liking the idea of a female-open relationship.  Cuckolding.  With me locked up and mostly providing oral pleasure, she has the freedom to get laid.  I've already established that I like being emotionally supportive while also knowing that she is sexually empowered.  Many women really like traditionally masculine men, and I would need to know that her sexual needs were taken care of.   I absolutely cannot be "one of many," but I can see myself being in a loving primary relationship in which she can and does seek sex from others when she wishes or feels the need.

So, while I was gone, I fantasized incessantly about being a woman's faithful cuckold, earning the privilege of being locked up by her.  Yes, this may be a bit divorced from reality (cuckolding is a highly volatile topic in a real relationship and is difficult to execute well), and it intersects with other fantasies I have had (cross dressing / maid service).  But it's what has been haunting me for a while now.  I'm enjoying thinking about it, even if it's far from reality at the moment.

I fantasized about being who I am, not what society tells me I should be.  What do YOU think about when you are away from your typical comforts and rafts of social expectations?

Vulnerability Flipped

I need to re-iterate something I've said many times, but which cannot be over stressed.  One of the greatest joys I feel as a submissive male is the sense of instant deference when in the presence of femininity.  I'm just hard-wired with a reaction to curves, smile, eyes and grace to be pleasing and supportive, almost hyper-gentlemanly.  With enough effort, I can squelch this reaction and act more as society expects, but I much prefer to be myself and enjoy being deferential.  I LOVE the power that femininity has over me, and as I age (and hopefully become wiser) I am less prone to apologize for that.

So, with that in mind, I wanted to share some thoughts about twisting social assumptions regarding sexuality.  Historically, women have been viewed as sex objects for the enjoyment of men, powerless and buffeted by patriarchal norms, packaged for viewing pleasure and valued in relation to the degree to which they fit into a male-dominated world.  But this set of assumptions blows up as soon as the men in the situation are hard-wired submissives who become more deferential with increasing arousal.  Then the power dynamic flips.  That attractiveness becomes a psychological leash, far more steadfast and enduring than any chain.

As a submissive male, I love the feeling of this mental leash being gently tugged, whether intentionally on the part of the woman or not.  The only thing that feels better is an intentional and decidedly more purposeful tug, an acknowledgement of this power by both parties.

All of these thoughts came from an image I came across recently.  I don't have the image itself to share, but it was a pool scene, a casual get-together or informal party.  Some people were in the water, others were lounging in swimwear, and still others were milling about in casual clothes.  One woman was wearing a bikini with halter ties on the top and hip ties on the bottom.  Knots were tied such that a single tug would make the garment fall apart.

My first thought was:  "It must feel so vulnerable to wear something like that."  I have to admit that my penchant for feeling vulnerable kicked in and I felt a little jealous.  How lovely to be in that position.

The second thought, though, didn't take long to form.  That knot only represents her vulnerability to excessively aggressive guys (thugs, really) who would consider tugging the knot open, probably after they paired off to get to know each other better.  But it also represents a statement of fact to the more submissive:  "I can wear this with confidence that you will never touch without permission, and probably not even then."  It's a statement of sexual power and confidence:  "I can wear this and not be vulnerable to you... you are vulnerable to me."

That's totally hot.

The very same clothing that gets such a horrible social rap -- high heels, push-up bras, flimsy fabrics -- represents within the context of empowered women and deferential men a rich language of power often flipped from traditional feminist thinking.  Personally, I think most men are submissive and that many, many more would express this if it was more celebrated in society and desired by more women.  Far more likely to me that feminine fashion triggers deep psychological longing than just a passing surface appreciation in the typical male.

But that's just my own mind at work.  As a sample of one, I'm just going to continue enjoying the feeling of powerlessness in the face of femininity, the need to defer to the dare of curves and fluid motion.  As I maintain eye contact despite cleavage or a short skirt or a barely-tied-on bikini, I telegraph our mutual understanding of her right to sexual power and my joy in deferring to that.

Giving It A Go

Sometimes you just have to give ideas a whirl.  This is particularly true when you are the only one on the planet who thinks it may be a good idea.  Maybe that's just when it's the most fun.

I exposited at length in my post titled Eye Candy that I thought it would be nice to adopt and adapt some of the more enjoyably submissive attributes of femininity without trying to look like a woman or giving up my own identity.  I mused about the possibility of tossing gender convention to the wind and simply enjoying parts of me that are not appreciated by others.

As a reminder of the attributes I am trying to incorporate into this "look:"

1.  Tight-fitting and revealing clothes that present the wearer as a blatant sex object.  LOTS of skin showing, and little left to the imagination, every curve defined and open to public scrutiny.

That "little left to the imagination" part is taken to the extreme of not hiding ANY part of the anatomy.  In fact, showcasing it as specifically NOT being hidden.  I'm not trying to weird people out here, just experimenting with the same kind of attitude that society routinely takes with women's bodies.  Oh, and using shiny and metallic fabrics should add an exclamation point behind the statement.

2. Using cut and material to make the body above the waist "technically" covered, but entirely visible.

3. No pockets or place to hide hands, wallet, or other objects.  This leaves the wearer psychologically and functionally "nude."

4. Shoes that are not overtly female (stiletto heel, for example), yet do have a feminine feel to them.  A slight prop to the back of the foot can shape calves, quads, and butt to make a more pleasing image.

5. Tasteful touches of submission, such as a thin steel collar and/or cuffs.

6. Very, very careful use of cosmetics, perhaps a touch of lip gloss or mascara to highlight without looking "made up."  This is a tough one and very much based on personal taste.  It can go a long way to melt any remaining machismo.

Over the past couple of days, I've been making progress on the purchasing front, and I hope to get started in earnest with the presentation experiments over the coming weekend.  There is still much to do.  But what I have started with is partially represented on this page:

- Metallic workout shorts, high-waisted and very little inseam, tight-fitting and stretchy metallic dance shorts, and shiny disco shorts are all on their way to my home.

- Two mesh tops (one with the chest exposed) are on order.

- Dainty wedge heel leather oxfords should arrive soon, too.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be shopping for some additional items.  I think that nipple clamps joined by a light chain would look great under the mesh top.  Also, thin steel wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar would look fantastic, cast the wearer solidly (and pleasantly) into a totally submissive role, and provide great utility for the use of Dominants.*  These are extraordinarily expensive, though, so if anyone knows where they can be found at a reasonable price, please let me know.

So it's going to be an "interesting" weekend.  I'll let both of my readers know how it goes and if any of this meets my rather steep expectations.  There is a lot of work to do -- for example, hair may look horrible in specific places -- but I've been thinking about this for a long time.  It's time to stop thinking and start playing.

Anybody have any thoughts or ideas?  Am I missing anything obvious?  Thanks for reading.  I'll be posting soon, I'm sure... so long as the mail is running somewhat on time.

* For ultimate "utility," why not add some sort of a tasteful leg garter strung with half a dozen small oval carabiners that could be used by a Domme to connect two or more cuffs/collar?

Stretching

It has been over two weeks since I have been out of the Holy Trainer for more than a few hours of recovery and a thorough cleaning.  In that time, I have limited sexual release to "milking," a procedure that involves a prostate massager (Aneros) and a Hitachi against the HT while kneeling.  It is a very different kind of "release" and exercise of the prostate than a full-on orgasm.  It is less explosive, lasts a lot longer, and feels "deeper" in the body.  It also generates far less fluid and almost no pre-cum.

The purpose of all of this is to find out how my fantasies of being a beta male cuckold map to a partial reality.  It's simply too easy to promise based on desire and find reality to be a disappointment.  Experimentation is a good way to figure out what I am really up for and can deliver.

I have learned that I enjoy being locked up, but I'm not sure where the boundaries of that experience should be.  For now, I'm shooting for a month of lockdown with the keys available and two milkings per week.  After that, who knows?  I'm playing it by ear.

As an aside, I'm finding that my visual tastes are very much in a "public sexy" space right now.  I feel incredibly warm towards nicely-dressed women in general, and helpless to an hourglass presentation.  One-piece swimsuits are my Kryptonite, and that feels so, so delightful.  But an image of a naked female feels like tresspassing.  So "porn" to me right now is a swimsuit Tumblr.  That just adds to the beta cuckold sensation.  For now, that's welcome.

Conditioning

I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week.  It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning.  If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low.  But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.

Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT.  But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it.  It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself.  Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas.  A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.

My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort.  I'm getting closer every day.

One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental.  I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on.  I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on.  I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.

Incremental Progress

Locked.  Again.

During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up.  There's just something Pavlovian about heading home.  So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2.  After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.

Wow.  That was a short post, huh?  Oh, wait... there's more.

I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination.  Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend.  Yiy!  Some people just sleepwalk.  I sleeplock.  Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.

Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real."  I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers.  I should get access again around lunchtime today.  Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder.  (For the safe, not the device!)

But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time.  My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.

When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming:  I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device.  It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis.  At the time, I thought it was a minor difference.  Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.

I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device.  But it's a slower, deeper experience.  I've noticed that the "output" is different, too:  more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum.  The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat.  Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened.  In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact.  Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.

My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind.  Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues.  Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going.  A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Two Things

I've been thinking a bit about the two elements of chastity: the physical and the emotional.

The physical can be very enjoyable.  I actually enjoy being locked up.  The hard casing can feel like cock armor, and the sensation of bondage is calming to a submissive soul.  But over time, it is the first and most obvious limiting factor.  Most of the difficulties I've outlined in my notes here are about overcoming the physical barriers.

Emotional is the true draw.  I like the notion of being sexually "kept" by a woman.  The power exchange is undeniably sexual and neatly disposes of tradition and stereotype.  The changes that come over a man kept in chastity provide a kaleidoscope of emotional swirl, a roller coaster ride that is hard for some few women to pass up.

So far, I've overcome all of the physical barriers and am pretty convinced that I can find a way to tolerate lock-up if motivated to do so.  Which leaves us with the emotional.  That code I have not yet cracked.  Having my key held by a person of the female persuasion is not enough.  I need to care about her and want her to get deep inside my head, because that is where she will end up as my vulnerability swells.

As usual, I have done the easy part first, and it wasn't all that easy.  One of the supremely enjoyable aspects of life, though, is progressing against what once appeared to be impossible.  Who knows... maybe one day I'll struggle with both physical and emotional stresses.  I look forward to that day.

QL

So What?

Business has been hopping lately, so I've been on the road a lot.  As "problems" go, that's a pretty nice one to have.  But my recent experiments with chastity have somewhat been put on hold.

But not entirely.

Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip.  So, some activity.  But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.

One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question.  I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect.  It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else.  It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point.  Once again, I have tools.

With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people.  The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism:  crickets chirping.  No response.  At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him.  It just IS.

But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet.  In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items.  Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout.  Life is good.

I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days.  That feels good, almost care free.

The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment.  It's just something to work towards while I live my life.  When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages.  I'm interested in pushing boundaries.  Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.

Kind of a personal update, but there it is.  Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.

Double Interesting

I can orgasm in a chastity device.  I mean... hmmm.  Who knew?

Today I tried the prostate-stimulator-hitachi-on-the-holy-trainer trick again and it seriously worked.  Not as fast as yesterday, but after several minutes of getting worked up... *BAM*!  I'm pretty sure it was a full-on orgasm, but I wasn't erect, so I'm slightly confused.  All the other physiological reactions were there, it's just that I was locked up.

Who knows?  Maybe this is just a reaction to a new stimulation and things will calm down a little.  I'm in the device until at least Sunday, so I'll see how things progress.  If I wear it out of town next week and don't get any stimulation, then things may be different when I get home.

This post is just kind of wandering.  But I really didn't expect that much deep, pulsing pleasure while caged.  When expectations don't line up with reality, I often take a step back and have a good head scratch.  That's where I am now.  Scratching.  My head.

Any thoughts from out there in Internet Land?

Hmmmm....

Wow... That's Interesting

I arrived home this afternoon from my latest business trip.  There was a decent chance that my most recent purchases would be waiting for me, and I indeed found several boxes on my doorstep.  Woo hoo!  The key items include a Hitachi Magic Wand and 8-ounce squirt bottles.

My intent has been to conquer the last two problems in the way of long-term chastity device wear:  hygiene and prostate health.  Since I went on this trip unlocked, I changed into something less businesslike (nothing, actually) and locked my Holy Trainer 2 onto myself.  Then I put a condom and some lube on my Aneros-like prostate massager and placed it into position.  Once that was in place, I turned on the Hitachi and started to rub it around on the Holy Trainer.

Oh. My. God.

I was amazed at how fast the vibrations -- when propagating through my lower body cavity -- created extremely erotic sensations.  It didn't take long before I felt a familiar build-up.  Because I've never been close to any kind of release with a device on, I made no attempt to stifle or prolong things.  After several minutes, I felt what I can only describe as a partial orgasm.  There as a pumping sensation, but nothing came out.  After a few seconds, there was one more spasm and a significant ejaculation shot out.

I was genuinely surprised at this.  I expected frustration and little "production" during the first try, because I've had such a difficult time up until now.  But it worked flawlessly.

Some guys report not feeling any let-down of sexual tension when they release fluid like this.  But I felt a sense of physical relief.  It just wasn't an orgasm with the incredible feeling of satisfaction that I'm accustomed to.

My understanding is that to exercise the prostate I should be doing this every day or couple of days, pretty much as often as I would normally masturbate.  I'll try it a few times this weekend and see what happens.  I'm locked until Sunday morning, so might as well.

The other aspect is the hygiene part.  I've loaded up a bottle for a good cleaning in the morning.  Since I'm only locked for a few days, it's not a big deal.  But if I'm going on a trip locked, I should work out any bugs here first.  I bought a small soft toothbrush in case I can get it into the device.  Not sure I can, but it seemed worth a try.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I feel like I'm making progress and hope I continue to do so.

Again, thanks to Miss Bonnie and "Admin" over at Collar n' Cuffs for the "help" with this.  With friends like you, who needs enemies?  Haha.  "Help, help... my friends are trying to lock me up!!!"

Quick Update

So I'm locked up again, keys in the care of Strict Mistress at Keysafe.org.  I'm going for short stints for now, three to four days at a time so that I can keep the plumbing working.

I have received some great advice on prostate stimulation and cleaning, and my Hitachi Magic Wand should be here before long.  With luck, these minor adjustments will solve my plumbing problems.  With health taken care of, I can focus on extending my "stay."  Would be nice to go a month, just to see what that feels like.  Not sure how long I want to go.  I do have some things coming up on my calendar that will require not wearing a cage.  But they're a ways out right now.

Anyway, just wanted to post an update to let everyone know that I'm still active as I keep working on the last few issues.

Oh, and I'm typing this while wearing a short swing skirt and heels.  So there.

Preparing for Another Run

I've encountered two problems with extended chastity:

1)  cleaning and keeping everything inside healthy and hygienic, and
2)  keeping the plumbing from atrophying and causing health problems later in life.  (No use wearing a diaper sooner than I really need to.  Haha.)

The first appears to have been solved by Miss Bonnie over at Collar 'n Cuffs (thank you Miss Bonnie!!!) with her suggestion of using condiment squirt bottles to spray cleansing fluids into the device while showering.  I've ordered a couple of bottles and will see how well that works.  I suspect it will be a fine solution.

The second barrier is a bit tougher.  The prostate needs to be exercised at least every few days, daily if possible.  Without coming out of the device, the only real way to get the semen pump working is through direct contact and / or stimulation with vibration.  I tried the direct approach with little success.  In fact, the frustration was so great that it generated more anger than fluid.  So I'm trying the vibration approach.  I have a Hitachi headed my way, and it should be here in a couple of weeks.

My plan is to lock up and start trying after three or four days to get fluid flow going.  By day five, I'm typically pretty worked up, so I'm hoping that will work.  I'll keep reading and looking for techniques that work.  Suggestions are welcome.

This is the last barrier to long-term wear.  I have a device that seems to work, a lock box, and would really like to know what it's like to be locked up for a month or longer.  I know that my mind changes after three days, then again after about a week.  But I don't know where it goes from there.  And this really is all about twisting the mind, which is why I like it so much.

Look for another post in a week or ten days.  I'll lock up and hope the Hitachi is on time.  The we'll see what happens.  Okay, maybe I'll lock up for a few days at a time until then, just... because.  *whimper*

Getting "Over the Hump"

My plan for the weekend was to figure out how to keep my "plumbing" in order during long-term wear.  Health is my Number One consideration, obviously.  The most important two health-related issues with long-term wear are:  sanitation inside the device and keeping the prostate healthy.

Sunday afternoon I attempted to exercise the prostate. This is best done "from inside," but does take some practice.  I compounded the problem by doing a really bad job of cleaning out back there.  In the end, I was frustrated at being frustrated and made mess of the whole thing.

I'm travelling a bit for work at the moment and can't really do what I want when I want.  That throws another monkey wrench into the whole equation.  Even if I figured out the technique, I'm not sure when I'd get to apply what I learned.

Out of frustration, I took off the cage.  I was not thrilled with what I found.  A handful of very tiny blood vessels visible behind the corona, grey appearance to the head, and an awful stench.  Obviously, I'm not doing well enough in the hygiene department and will have to figure that out.

So, more obstacles to overcome.  In the short term, I made the decision to travel without the cage for a week and do some research.

But there is also the emotional side of things.  After a time -- it appears that with me two weeks is getting into the neighborhood -- my own personal kink isn't enough to keep the cage on.  I'm not sure how that would work if I was playing with someone who was into it.  I just don't know.  I had read that feelings get transferred to the keyholder, but I'm not sure what that would look like or feel like.

So, taking a week off while I figure some of this out.  I'll state as I have in the past that anyone who claims to just put a device on and wear it long term is lying.  It's not easy, though I admit that I probably make it harder than most.

Taking a break

So, I have my unlock code and have decided that I'm taking a break from the chastity experiment for a while.  The fact is that I don't have anyone to be chaste for.  That makes a huge difference, and I'm at the point in my journey at which I need the connection to keep going.

Also, my schedule is suddenly extraordinarily packed, so I'm going to focus on life in general for a bit and come back to this when it makes sense.  Will keep you all informed!  Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Plus and Minus

The lock on the Holy Trainer 2 is not a traditional padlock.  It is integrated into the device and is barely visible when everything is assembled.  To get the device on, one must have the key so that the mechanism can be shifted into the locked position before the key is removed.

This is a negative if a keyholder wishes to ship a lock sans keys to the wearer, or if a numbered disposable lock is preferred.

On the bright side, it makes for an ultra sleek device.  And if a wearer LIKES wearing the device, the keys can be controlled so that the HT2 can't be put on and locked.  How's that for double-reverse insane motivation alignment?

"You haven't been good enough to wear the chastity device."

"Nooooooo!  I'll be good, I swear!"

"Nope.  Keys stay locked up for now."

"Dammit."

Okay, I'm confused.  Time for bed.

Progression

I think that my lack of blogging here is a milestone in itself.  Yes, I'm still in the HT2, so far without complications or problems.  In fact, I'm not waking up so often at night, and I don't notice the device while out and about.  Yes, going to the bathroom still takes a small amount of planning, but that's not the big deal it once was.

The biggest surprise this time around is the emotional / sexual change.  I'm not as desperate as I was after a few days the first week I was in chastity.  Even though I "cleared the pipes" several times last weekend -- purely for health reasons, you understand -- the total sexual insanity endured during days 3 - 5 of lockdown are nowhere near as intense this time.  In fact, the device feels "safe" rather than like an infernal barrier.

And that brings me to the psychological changes.  While locked up, I feel less like a participant in the sexual dance and more like a neutral observer.  (Or is it neutered observer?)  I still absolutely LOVE being around women and all things feminine, but the constant male calculus of who might be flirting or like what she sees just isn't happening like it does when I'm not locked up.  I feel appreciation and admiration without a need to perform in a particular way.  So... feelings of safety times two.  What is up with that?

I will very soon -- as in this weekend -- have to figure out how to keep my prostate healthy while locked up.  If I can crack the code on that issue, then there is no reason I can't stay locked up for longer periods.  Intellectually, I understand the methods; but reading a post or article on "how to" does not help make it happen.  It's a learned sensation to some extent, and I have not yet learned it.

Strict Mistress at keysafe.org will give me the combination to my lock box by end of day tomorrow.  I'd like to just roll over into another period of lockdown, perhaps just go on a weekly cycle.  That rollover period will be my only chance to make some key adjustments, like offering keys to a potential keyholder or allowing authorized people to tweak my lockdown time and other settings.  I'll be thinking about that over the next day or so.  I've been ratcheting up the intensity pretty rapidly, and so far that has been fine.  I've ultimately been in control, and no third parties have really had much say in anything.  The progression I am going through looks something like:

1)  Lock device on for a few hours; work out wearability issues.
2)  Lock device on for a few days; carry keys with me at all times.
3)  Lock device on for a week; keep keys nearby.
4)  Lock device on for a week; lock keys in keysafe; keep safe master key accessible.
5)  Lock device on for a week at a time; update settings each week; lock keys in keysafe; master key accessible in emergency, but tamper evident. (This is where I am now.)
6)  Turn keys over to Keyholder;  lock device on for indefinite period; lock keys in keysafe; master key remotely accessible in an extreme emergency, but tamper evident and / or under someone else's control.


Oh, and I've been toying with a design for an Arduino module that goes in a keysafe and reports a log to the keyholder via wireless e-mail, so she/he knows any time the safe has been opened or moved.  Am I nuts?!

In The Groove

There's really not a ton to post today.  I'm getting through my days just fine with some minor adjustments here and there.   I trimmed neatly before putting the cage on, so there is slightly less "padding," but that doesn't seem to have changed much about the experience.

I did run this morning, a bit shy of 6.5 miles.  But now that's nothing new.  I'm actually quite comfortable locked.

Emotionally, Day 3 is when the struggle begins.  It hits peak on Day 5.  If I post, it will likely be about that.  Since I've never gone more than a week, I don't know what happens to my brain after that length of time.  It will be interesting to find out.  It kind of feels like just waiting right now.

Perhaps that will change.