Giving It A Go

Sometimes you just have to give ideas a whirl.  This is particularly true when you are the only one on the planet who thinks it may be a good idea.  Maybe that's just when it's the most fun.

I exposited at length in my post titled Eye Candy that I thought it would be nice to adopt and adapt some of the more enjoyably submissive attributes of femininity without trying to look like a woman or giving up my own identity.  I mused about the possibility of tossing gender convention to the wind and simply enjoying parts of me that are not appreciated by others.

As a reminder of the attributes I am trying to incorporate into this "look:"

1.  Tight-fitting and revealing clothes that present the wearer as a blatant sex object.  LOTS of skin showing, and little left to the imagination, every curve defined and open to public scrutiny.

That "little left to the imagination" part is taken to the extreme of not hiding ANY part of the anatomy.  In fact, showcasing it as specifically NOT being hidden.  I'm not trying to weird people out here, just experimenting with the same kind of attitude that society routinely takes with women's bodies.  Oh, and using shiny and metallic fabrics should add an exclamation point behind the statement.

2. Using cut and material to make the body above the waist "technically" covered, but entirely visible.

3. No pockets or place to hide hands, wallet, or other objects.  This leaves the wearer psychologically and functionally "nude."

4. Shoes that are not overtly female (stiletto heel, for example), yet do have a feminine feel to them.  A slight prop to the back of the foot can shape calves, quads, and butt to make a more pleasing image.

5. Tasteful touches of submission, such as a thin steel collar and/or cuffs.

6. Very, very careful use of cosmetics, perhaps a touch of lip gloss or mascara to highlight without looking "made up."  This is a tough one and very much based on personal taste.  It can go a long way to melt any remaining machismo.

Over the past couple of days, I've been making progress on the purchasing front, and I hope to get started in earnest with the presentation experiments over the coming weekend.  There is still much to do.  But what I have started with is partially represented on this page:

- Metallic workout shorts, high-waisted and very little inseam, tight-fitting and stretchy metallic dance shorts, and shiny disco shorts are all on their way to my home.

- Two mesh tops (one with the chest exposed) are on order.

- Dainty wedge heel leather oxfords should arrive soon, too.

Over the next couple of days, I'll be shopping for some additional items.  I think that nipple clamps joined by a light chain would look great under the mesh top.  Also, thin steel wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and collar would look fantastic, cast the wearer solidly (and pleasantly) into a totally submissive role, and provide great utility for the use of Dominants.*  These are extraordinarily expensive, though, so if anyone knows where they can be found at a reasonable price, please let me know.

So it's going to be an "interesting" weekend.  I'll let both of my readers know how it goes and if any of this meets my rather steep expectations.  There is a lot of work to do -- for example, hair may look horrible in specific places -- but I've been thinking about this for a long time.  It's time to stop thinking and start playing.

Anybody have any thoughts or ideas?  Am I missing anything obvious?  Thanks for reading.  I'll be posting soon, I'm sure... so long as the mail is running somewhat on time.

* For ultimate "utility," why not add some sort of a tasteful leg garter strung with half a dozen small oval carabiners that could be used by a Domme to connect two or more cuffs/collar?

Stretching

It has been over two weeks since I have been out of the Holy Trainer for more than a few hours of recovery and a thorough cleaning.  In that time, I have limited sexual release to "milking," a procedure that involves a prostate massager (Aneros) and a Hitachi against the HT while kneeling.  It is a very different kind of "release" and exercise of the prostate than a full-on orgasm.  It is less explosive, lasts a lot longer, and feels "deeper" in the body.  It also generates far less fluid and almost no pre-cum.

The purpose of all of this is to find out how my fantasies of being a beta male cuckold map to a partial reality.  It's simply too easy to promise based on desire and find reality to be a disappointment.  Experimentation is a good way to figure out what I am really up for and can deliver.

I have learned that I enjoy being locked up, but I'm not sure where the boundaries of that experience should be.  For now, I'm shooting for a month of lockdown with the keys available and two milkings per week.  After that, who knows?  I'm playing it by ear.

As an aside, I'm finding that my visual tastes are very much in a "public sexy" space right now.  I feel incredibly warm towards nicely-dressed women in general, and helpless to an hourglass presentation.  One-piece swimsuits are my Kryptonite, and that feels so, so delightful.  But an image of a naked female feels like tresspassing.  So "porn" to me right now is a swimsuit Tumblr.  That just adds to the beta cuckold sensation.  For now, that's welcome.

Conditioning

I've been getting used to wearing the Holy Trainer this week.  It occurred to me that wearing a device is not unlike any oher kind of physical conditioning.  If you are sedentary and get off the couch with the intent to run a marathon, your chances of success are low.  But if you work up to that, there is no reason to doubt that you will be successful.

Over the past five days, I've mostly been in my HT.  But when I went out for a particularly long run, I removed it.  It just doesn't make sense to do that to myself.  Chaffing is the biggest problem, and that chaffing is in particularly sesitive areas.  A couple of times, I have removed the device long enough for the swelling and redness to dissipate, generally a few hours.

My hope is that I can stay in for long periods without distracting pain or extreme discomfort.  I'm getting closer every day.

One side-effect that I had not anticipated, though was a different kind of "conditioning:" mental.  I left for work this morning without wearing the HT, and was so uncomfortable without it -- or at least without the idea of it -- that I went back and put it on.  I feel less "guilty" being out and about with it on.  I'm happy with that and look forward to learning more about those dark places in my mind.

Incremental Progress

Locked.  Again.

During my travel home from an out-of-town business trip on Thursday, I was once more seized with the need to be locked up.  There's just something Pavlovian about heading home.  So when I got to the house, I put on the Holy Trainer 2.  After unpacking luggage and getting some things done around the house, I went to bed.

Wow.  That was a short post, huh?  Oh, wait... there's more.

I awoke only an hour after I fell asleep and -- it's important to understand that I have no idea why I did this -- logged onto keysafe.org to get a combination.  Then I locked the HT keys AND the safe emergency keys away for the weekend.  Yiy!  Some people just sleepwalk.  I sleeplock.  Quick... update the DSM V, or VI, or LCXVII or whatever version they're on now.

Actually, I've really enjoyed being locked "for real."  I had cleared my calendar -- the first weekend I've had to just relax and do what I want in months -- so there have been no real barriers.  I should get access again around lunchtime today.  Either that or I'll be warming up the angle grinder.  (For the safe, not the device!)

But the interesting thing is the few experiments I've done in the mean time.  My thought has been that if I can handle the chaffing and other annoyances of being locked, can keep the device (and its contents) clean and sanitary, and I can prevent the prostate from atrophying, then the path to longer-term wear is pretty open.

When I first started attempting to "milk" myself, the results were overwhelming:  I had what felt like a complete orgasm while still locked in the device.  It felt a bit different from a typical orgasm, starting as it did deep inside and not at the head of the penis.  At the time, I thought it was a minor difference.  Since then, though, I've come (excuse the expression) to understand that the early experience was an outlier, likely from the new sensations.

I have been quite able to ejaculate using the prostate massager and a Magic Wand vibrating the device.  But it's a slower, deeper experience.  I've noticed that the "output" is different, too:  more concentrated, and not mixed with pre-cum.  The experience can't be an "every day" affair... every two or three days seems to work; any more frequently can end in maddening frustration and a puddle of anguished sweat.  Critically, when it is over, I don't have the urge to remove the device and pretend that it never happened.  In fact, my submissiveness remains largely -- though not entirely -- in tact.  Over the course of a few minutes, I'm back in subbie land and quite happy to have not been released.

My intent was to remain locked over the weekend and head out on my next trip with the Holy Trainer left behind.  Now, though, I seem to be in a Zone of Equilibrium, okay being locked and okay dealing with the physical issues.  Since this week's trip is a driving trip, I may see about keeping the experiment going.  A week isn't going to kill me, and this could be a good step into my goal of longer periods of lockup.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Two Things

I've been thinking a bit about the two elements of chastity: the physical and the emotional.

The physical can be very enjoyable.  I actually enjoy being locked up.  The hard casing can feel like cock armor, and the sensation of bondage is calming to a submissive soul.  But over time, it is the first and most obvious limiting factor.  Most of the difficulties I've outlined in my notes here are about overcoming the physical barriers.

Emotional is the true draw.  I like the notion of being sexually "kept" by a woman.  The power exchange is undeniably sexual and neatly disposes of tradition and stereotype.  The changes that come over a man kept in chastity provide a kaleidoscope of emotional swirl, a roller coaster ride that is hard for some few women to pass up.

So far, I've overcome all of the physical barriers and am pretty convinced that I can find a way to tolerate lock-up if motivated to do so.  Which leaves us with the emotional.  That code I have not yet cracked.  Having my key held by a person of the female persuasion is not enough.  I need to care about her and want her to get deep inside my head, because that is where she will end up as my vulnerability swells.

As usual, I have done the easy part first, and it wasn't all that easy.  One of the supremely enjoyable aspects of life, though, is progressing against what once appeared to be impossible.  Who knows... maybe one day I'll struggle with both physical and emotional stresses.  I look forward to that day.

QL

So What?

Business has been hopping lately, so I've been on the road a lot.  As "problems" go, that's a pretty nice one to have.  But my recent experiments with chastity have somewhat been put on hold.

But not entirely.

Last weekend I was locked most of the time, and I put my HT2 on last night when I got back from my most recent trip.  So, some activity.  But my goal of going a month is on the back burner for the moment.

One of the reasons is the whole "So What" question.  I've always viewed chastity as part of a power dynamic in a relationship, one way -- though NOT the only way -- that two people relate and connect.  It's (ironically) sexual and a way to enjoy D/s and localized bondage in public without involving anyone else.  It is one aspect of something larger, and the "something larger" is the point.  Once again, I have tools.

With my crazy travel schedule, I've been out on line recently with hopes of arranging to meet new people.  The response has been consistent with my previous experience, though not to my insane optimism:  crickets chirping.  No response.  At some point, Charlie Brown needs to stop trying to kick a field goal and realize that Lucy cares about the ball, not him.  It just IS.

But the optimism lives, and I'll find ways to meet actual human beings... I just don't know how yet.  In the mean time, I'm enjoying vanilla life tremendously and making LOADS of progress against personal projects, knocking things off of the "bucket list" almost as fast as I'm adding new line items.  Family visits are lined up on the calendar, hobbies scheduled out for months, and social events peppered throughout.  Life is good.

I refreshed my femme wardrobe recently and am enjoying it with a bit more confidence these days.  That feels good, almost care free.

The goal of a month locked up remains, though the purpose of that is unclear in my mind at the moment.  It's just something to work towards while I live my life.  When I get into that, I'm sure it will be all over these pages.  I'm interested in pushing boundaries.  Since I've knocked down so many of those so far, I feel like a few more need to be swept away.

Kind of a personal update, but there it is.  Be safe, everyone, and keep growing and expanding.

Double Interesting

I can orgasm in a chastity device.  I mean... hmmm.  Who knew?

Today I tried the prostate-stimulator-hitachi-on-the-holy-trainer trick again and it seriously worked.  Not as fast as yesterday, but after several minutes of getting worked up... *BAM*!  I'm pretty sure it was a full-on orgasm, but I wasn't erect, so I'm slightly confused.  All the other physiological reactions were there, it's just that I was locked up.

Who knows?  Maybe this is just a reaction to a new stimulation and things will calm down a little.  I'm in the device until at least Sunday, so I'll see how things progress.  If I wear it out of town next week and don't get any stimulation, then things may be different when I get home.

This post is just kind of wandering.  But I really didn't expect that much deep, pulsing pleasure while caged.  When expectations don't line up with reality, I often take a step back and have a good head scratch.  That's where I am now.  Scratching.  My head.

Any thoughts from out there in Internet Land?

Hmmmm....

Wow... That's Interesting

I arrived home this afternoon from my latest business trip.  There was a decent chance that my most recent purchases would be waiting for me, and I indeed found several boxes on my doorstep.  Woo hoo!  The key items include a Hitachi Magic Wand and 8-ounce squirt bottles.

My intent has been to conquer the last two problems in the way of long-term chastity device wear:  hygiene and prostate health.  Since I went on this trip unlocked, I changed into something less businesslike (nothing, actually) and locked my Holy Trainer 2 onto myself.  Then I put a condom and some lube on my Aneros-like prostate massager and placed it into position.  Once that was in place, I turned on the Hitachi and started to rub it around on the Holy Trainer.

Oh. My. God.

I was amazed at how fast the vibrations -- when propagating through my lower body cavity -- created extremely erotic sensations.  It didn't take long before I felt a familiar build-up.  Because I've never been close to any kind of release with a device on, I made no attempt to stifle or prolong things.  After several minutes, I felt what I can only describe as a partial orgasm.  There as a pumping sensation, but nothing came out.  After a few seconds, there was one more spasm and a significant ejaculation shot out.

I was genuinely surprised at this.  I expected frustration and little "production" during the first try, because I've had such a difficult time up until now.  But it worked flawlessly.

Some guys report not feeling any let-down of sexual tension when they release fluid like this.  But I felt a sense of physical relief.  It just wasn't an orgasm with the incredible feeling of satisfaction that I'm accustomed to.

My understanding is that to exercise the prostate I should be doing this every day or couple of days, pretty much as often as I would normally masturbate.  I'll try it a few times this weekend and see what happens.  I'm locked until Sunday morning, so might as well.

The other aspect is the hygiene part.  I've loaded up a bottle for a good cleaning in the morning.  Since I'm only locked for a few days, it's not a big deal.  But if I'm going on a trip locked, I should work out any bugs here first.  I bought a small soft toothbrush in case I can get it into the device.  Not sure I can, but it seemed worth a try.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I feel like I'm making progress and hope I continue to do so.

Again, thanks to Miss Bonnie and "Admin" over at Collar n' Cuffs for the "help" with this.  With friends like you, who needs enemies?  Haha.  "Help, help... my friends are trying to lock me up!!!"

Quick Update

So I'm locked up again, keys in the care of Strict Mistress at Keysafe.org.  I'm going for short stints for now, three to four days at a time so that I can keep the plumbing working.

I have received some great advice on prostate stimulation and cleaning, and my Hitachi Magic Wand should be here before long.  With luck, these minor adjustments will solve my plumbing problems.  With health taken care of, I can focus on extending my "stay."  Would be nice to go a month, just to see what that feels like.  Not sure how long I want to go.  I do have some things coming up on my calendar that will require not wearing a cage.  But they're a ways out right now.

Anyway, just wanted to post an update to let everyone know that I'm still active as I keep working on the last few issues.

Oh, and I'm typing this while wearing a short swing skirt and heels.  So there.

Preparing for Another Run

I've encountered two problems with extended chastity:

1)  cleaning and keeping everything inside healthy and hygienic, and
2)  keeping the plumbing from atrophying and causing health problems later in life.  (No use wearing a diaper sooner than I really need to.  Haha.)

The first appears to have been solved by Miss Bonnie over at Collar 'n Cuffs (thank you Miss Bonnie!!!) with her suggestion of using condiment squirt bottles to spray cleansing fluids into the device while showering.  I've ordered a couple of bottles and will see how well that works.  I suspect it will be a fine solution.

The second barrier is a bit tougher.  The prostate needs to be exercised at least every few days, daily if possible.  Without coming out of the device, the only real way to get the semen pump working is through direct contact and / or stimulation with vibration.  I tried the direct approach with little success.  In fact, the frustration was so great that it generated more anger than fluid.  So I'm trying the vibration approach.  I have a Hitachi headed my way, and it should be here in a couple of weeks.

My plan is to lock up and start trying after three or four days to get fluid flow going.  By day five, I'm typically pretty worked up, so I'm hoping that will work.  I'll keep reading and looking for techniques that work.  Suggestions are welcome.

This is the last barrier to long-term wear.  I have a device that seems to work, a lock box, and would really like to know what it's like to be locked up for a month or longer.  I know that my mind changes after three days, then again after about a week.  But I don't know where it goes from there.  And this really is all about twisting the mind, which is why I like it so much.

Look for another post in a week or ten days.  I'll lock up and hope the Hitachi is on time.  The we'll see what happens.  Okay, maybe I'll lock up for a few days at a time until then, just... because.  *whimper*

Getting "Over the Hump"

My plan for the weekend was to figure out how to keep my "plumbing" in order during long-term wear.  Health is my Number One consideration, obviously.  The most important two health-related issues with long-term wear are:  sanitation inside the device and keeping the prostate healthy.

Sunday afternoon I attempted to exercise the prostate. This is best done "from inside," but does take some practice.  I compounded the problem by doing a really bad job of cleaning out back there.  In the end, I was frustrated at being frustrated and made mess of the whole thing.

I'm travelling a bit for work at the moment and can't really do what I want when I want.  That throws another monkey wrench into the whole equation.  Even if I figured out the technique, I'm not sure when I'd get to apply what I learned.

Out of frustration, I took off the cage.  I was not thrilled with what I found.  A handful of very tiny blood vessels visible behind the corona, grey appearance to the head, and an awful stench.  Obviously, I'm not doing well enough in the hygiene department and will have to figure that out.

So, more obstacles to overcome.  In the short term, I made the decision to travel without the cage for a week and do some research.

But there is also the emotional side of things.  After a time -- it appears that with me two weeks is getting into the neighborhood -- my own personal kink isn't enough to keep the cage on.  I'm not sure how that would work if I was playing with someone who was into it.  I just don't know.  I had read that feelings get transferred to the keyholder, but I'm not sure what that would look like or feel like.

So, taking a week off while I figure some of this out.  I'll state as I have in the past that anyone who claims to just put a device on and wear it long term is lying.  It's not easy, though I admit that I probably make it harder than most.

Taking a break

So, I have my unlock code and have decided that I'm taking a break from the chastity experiment for a while.  The fact is that I don't have anyone to be chaste for.  That makes a huge difference, and I'm at the point in my journey at which I need the connection to keep going.

Also, my schedule is suddenly extraordinarily packed, so I'm going to focus on life in general for a bit and come back to this when it makes sense.  Will keep you all informed!  Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Plus and Minus

The lock on the Holy Trainer 2 is not a traditional padlock.  It is integrated into the device and is barely visible when everything is assembled.  To get the device on, one must have the key so that the mechanism can be shifted into the locked position before the key is removed.

This is a negative if a keyholder wishes to ship a lock sans keys to the wearer, or if a numbered disposable lock is preferred.

On the bright side, it makes for an ultra sleek device.  And if a wearer LIKES wearing the device, the keys can be controlled so that the HT2 can't be put on and locked.  How's that for double-reverse insane motivation alignment?

"You haven't been good enough to wear the chastity device."

"Nooooooo!  I'll be good, I swear!"

"Nope.  Keys stay locked up for now."

"Dammit."

Okay, I'm confused.  Time for bed.

Progression

I think that my lack of blogging here is a milestone in itself.  Yes, I'm still in the HT2, so far without complications or problems.  In fact, I'm not waking up so often at night, and I don't notice the device while out and about.  Yes, going to the bathroom still takes a small amount of planning, but that's not the big deal it once was.

The biggest surprise this time around is the emotional / sexual change.  I'm not as desperate as I was after a few days the first week I was in chastity.  Even though I "cleared the pipes" several times last weekend -- purely for health reasons, you understand -- the total sexual insanity endured during days 3 - 5 of lockdown are nowhere near as intense this time.  In fact, the device feels "safe" rather than like an infernal barrier.

And that brings me to the psychological changes.  While locked up, I feel less like a participant in the sexual dance and more like a neutral observer.  (Or is it neutered observer?)  I still absolutely LOVE being around women and all things feminine, but the constant male calculus of who might be flirting or like what she sees just isn't happening like it does when I'm not locked up.  I feel appreciation and admiration without a need to perform in a particular way.  So... feelings of safety times two.  What is up with that?

I will very soon -- as in this weekend -- have to figure out how to keep my prostate healthy while locked up.  If I can crack the code on that issue, then there is no reason I can't stay locked up for longer periods.  Intellectually, I understand the methods; but reading a post or article on "how to" does not help make it happen.  It's a learned sensation to some extent, and I have not yet learned it.

Strict Mistress at keysafe.org will give me the combination to my lock box by end of day tomorrow.  I'd like to just roll over into another period of lockdown, perhaps just go on a weekly cycle.  That rollover period will be my only chance to make some key adjustments, like offering keys to a potential keyholder or allowing authorized people to tweak my lockdown time and other settings.  I'll be thinking about that over the next day or so.  I've been ratcheting up the intensity pretty rapidly, and so far that has been fine.  I've ultimately been in control, and no third parties have really had much say in anything.  The progression I am going through looks something like:

1)  Lock device on for a few hours; work out wearability issues.
2)  Lock device on for a few days; carry keys with me at all times.
3)  Lock device on for a week; keep keys nearby.
4)  Lock device on for a week; lock keys in keysafe; keep safe master key accessible.
5)  Lock device on for a week at a time; update settings each week; lock keys in keysafe; master key accessible in emergency, but tamper evident. (This is where I am now.)
6)  Turn keys over to Keyholder;  lock device on for indefinite period; lock keys in keysafe; master key remotely accessible in an extreme emergency, but tamper evident and / or under someone else's control.


Oh, and I've been toying with a design for an Arduino module that goes in a keysafe and reports a log to the keyholder via wireless e-mail, so she/he knows any time the safe has been opened or moved.  Am I nuts?!

In The Groove

There's really not a ton to post today.  I'm getting through my days just fine with some minor adjustments here and there.   I trimmed neatly before putting the cage on, so there is slightly less "padding," but that doesn't seem to have changed much about the experience.

I did run this morning, a bit shy of 6.5 miles.  But now that's nothing new.  I'm actually quite comfortable locked.

Emotionally, Day 3 is when the struggle begins.  It hits peak on Day 5.  If I post, it will likely be about that.  Since I've never gone more than a week, I don't know what happens to my brain after that length of time.  It will be interesting to find out.  It kind of feels like just waiting right now.

Perhaps that will change.

Testing, Testing... 1, 2, 3....

I registered my safe with the Keysafe site and they were really quick in getting my account set up.  My keys are locked in the safe and only Strict Mistress has the combination now.  I've forgotten it.  I remember that there are two 4s towards the end.  If I really wanted to remember, I could do it.  But I specifically don't.

The current lockdown period is only for three days or so... not a huge deal.  I also brought a manual key and the safe itself on this trip -- nice to be driving and not flying -- just in case there are problems.  Baby steps.  But my hope is that I can extend my time if all is going well and get the feel of not having the keys quickly accessible.  I'll also vet out the safe and the site to make sure I know how everything works prior to giving up more control for longer.

Interesting journey.  I didn't think I'd make it this far, but here I am.  And craving more, too.  Yikes!  How deep is the rabbit hole?

I'm IN!

What am I thinking?  I mean... why lock myself back in this contraption?  Oh, but my insanity gets even better.

Today I bought an actual programmable lockbox that will act as my keysafe.  Yes, I can pry the thing open without using the combination, but I can get out of the actual chastity device if so motivated, too.  It's a matter of scale of effort and what I care about.  The safe can take an 8-digit combination, so I'll likely use it in conjunction with the keysafe.org web site... what they call their "Model 50" safe.  There is only one person there (automated keyholders excepted) that I care to give my keys to.  And we haven't really discussed it yet.  So this is mostly my little experiment.

I'm shooting for two weeks this time, doubling my previous record.  Not sure why that is appealing to me, but it is.  I'll keep everyone informed as to my journey, though daily updates are not very likely.

Baby steps.

Next Steps

I've spent the weekend out of the HT2, and I have to say that for some activities that is a huge relief.  Surprisingly, running doesn't seem to be a problem, though I have had to stop wearing triathlon shorts for that... baggy works better.  I did, however, spend a lot of time doing yard work in old jeans.  Old jeans shrink, and there is a lot of bending over while doing yard work.  So, not good for wearing a device that might just crush things that shouldn't be crushed.  I could probably find a way to live with it -- wearing baggy shorts, for instance -- but there is a reason I wear old jeans while doing things like clearing brush... they protect.

The past couple of days have taught me that the feelings towards women that I have while locked are different than the ones I have while not.  It's not a difference between "better" or "worse," it's just a different tint.  When I'm locked up, I feel more comfortable NOT pursuing in a directly sexual way, as if I've been relieved of social expectations of "maleness."  I feel like I want to support and appreciate more, and more broadly.  And I feel a lovely, pervasive sense of deference.

That's not to say that sexual attraction goes away, in fact in one sense it intensifies greatly.  I'm a huge fan of the female form and all things feminine.  By about Day 5 of being locked up, every hourglass figure snatches my attention regardless of any attempt to concentrate on something else.  A whiff of perfume or a nice pair of shoes or hair tucked behind the ear can send all mental activity off of thoughtful rails and into the chaotic ravine of built-up tension.  I really, really enjoy being that manipulable, feeling the cage remind me that I am in a sexual prison.  There is a background neediness that pervades every aspect of thought.

Chastity is sexual control, hopefully quite caring.  It is also a way to bend the mind using the sex drive and open new ways of relating and interacting with women.  It can also be a direct tool for punishment and reward, though whether extending lockup time represents "punishment" or "reward" depends a lot on circumstance and relationship between keyholder and locked.  But just as a side note, it is NOT a way to make orgasms more mind-blowing; it does take one or two orgasms to get all functions working like normal.

So far, I have retained control of my keys.  I suspect that a keyholder would command some part of my mind and sexual identity in a very profound way.  It's not clear to me how that "bubble of control" would make me see the world around me, or how I would feel about my keyholder immediately or over time.  I think I would enjoy the sense of needy deference, the very real power she would have over me.  This is something I would like to explore more with someone who was interested in me as a person.

To date, I have only been locked up for a week.  That's not a lot of time in chastity terms.  I was experiencing some slight soreness from the ring of the device, but I doubt that could not be overcome.  I have fears about prostate health and ability to function long term if I partake in chastity more regularly... or a lot.  So, I'll do some reading and figure out what boundaries make sense.

There hasn't really been a point to this note yet.  So I'll just try to wrap it up:  chastity play is more possible than I thought, and I am hoping to dive deeper into it.  Who knows how deeply the rabbit hole goes?  This evening, there may be a *click* sound with no idea when the *unclick* might happen.

I'm OUT!

I woke up this morning thinking about taking the cage off.  Some of that was, as one would expect, excitement at the prospect of enjoying an erection and orgasm again, but some was also extreme interest in the condition of all the parts that have been caged up.

The punchline:  I'm fine.  There was some irritation where the ring was continually pulled against the back of the scrotum, but that was known and expected.  Also, a small patch of black appeared on one side of the head of my penis.  This seemed to rub off and could have been residue inside the plastic when I put it on.  (Yes, I cleaned the device before stuffing myself into it, but who knows what got in there as I tried to get it on.)  But overall, everything was fine.  No bruising, no creasing, and no pinching.  All is well.

I had some concerns about how my "package" stood away from the body during attempts at erections, but as soon as the cage was off, everything was "back to normal."  So my worries are kind of taken care of.

Yes, I did "exercise my prostate."  Yes, it felt good.  But it wasn't earth-shattering in the way that fiction says it will be.  In fact, it was slightly (though really not much) more difficult than usual, a fact that has me wondering about long-term effects.  As I've mentioned before, I have a lot to learn.  But I did feel an incredible sensation of relief and probably need to do this again at least once before I consider any further lockdown time.

I'm going to give everything a day or so to recover before I decide what to do next.  Fact is, I'm not sure.  But I'm not going to decide right now.

Stay tuned.

One More Day

Another night, mostly without event.  I only had to get up one time, so maybe the multiple-non-erection thing reached a peak.  The skin under the ring was a little sore around the bottom this morning.  I'm not sure why.  I have noticed that driving is not 100% comfortable, and I was on the road for several hours yesterday.

One more day until I take the device off, inspect, clean, and figure out what to do next.  I'm conflicted on whether to just lock back up and keep going or take a break from chastity.  On the one hand, having an orgasm is much on my mind lately.  (Wonder why?)  On the other, there are pleasures to chastity that are pretty amazing, too.  I very much enjoy the feeling of helplessness to all things feminine, power amplified by being just out of reach.  And the sensation of submission that being locked in a cage provides is really, really nice.

But there are health considerations, too.  A guy should not go too long without an orgasm, or at least exercising the prostate.  I have not figured out how to do that yet.  Last night's experiments were unfruitful even if I was emitting a bit on my own regardless.  I have a lot to learn about keeping up good health while locked.  I don't want to do any permanent damage.

If I do lock back up, I would like to start thinking of ways to not be in total control of the keys.  I have been carrying a key on my car key ring due to fear that "anything can happen at any time."  As I learn that I can wear this device for longer periods of time, though, I won't really need to have that with me all the time.  But what to do with the keys?  An emergency out is just smart, but having it close at hand at all times is unnecessary and kind of defeats the point.

Okay, I'm off on my work day.  Any thoughts from my many millions of readers would be appreciated.

It's Good To Be Home

I'm home from my trip, and very happy to be here.  It's always nice to wander around and not worry about other people being around.

The only real update is that I was somewhat tormented during the drive, my mind wandering to erotic topics repeatedly.  Day 5 seems to be a toughy and has been before when I've abstained for that long.  I stopped to go to the bathroom several times without problems, and the slight chaffing from sitting in the car for that long isn't terrible.  Oddly, though, it's worse than running.

The automated "keyholder" site time limit has passed, so I've completed my "commitment" there.  I'm kind of leaving that alone for now.  I need to experiment with it some more, but without a safe that's controlled by the site, it's not really that interesting.

I have been having "emissions" since I got home.  For kicks, I spooled up some titillating images -- for me that means smartly-dressed women who look capable and authoritative -- and that definitely made the situation "worse."  Shocker.  Poor me.

Still planning to hold out until Saturday to set a new personal record, then decide what to do next.  I need to figure out how to keep the plumbing healthy if I do this much more, and I have to have a compelling reason to interest me.  Not sure what I'll do yet.

But I do think the big hurdles have been overcome.  Now, being locked up is just a "fact of life."

Good to be home.

Crunch Time

Things continue to go well, far in excess of my best possible imagining.  The device remains locked on, and I'm getting through life while acclimatizing myself to constantly being caged.  In some ways it feels so fantastic that it's difficult to explain.  Enforced chastity (even if the "enforced" has a very simple release clause at the moment) really touches my submissive soul.  I feel sexually captive, which likely explains the urge to have a keyholder I care about.  It's a very nice way to connect.

After my run yesterday, I did feel some surface skin soreness on the underside of the ring.  That will go away as I run more with the device on... it's skin getting accustomed to being rubbed in a new place.

Last night I woke up several times again, each time with a raging non-erection.  It takes some time to let that subside, but it's hard to get it to go away when all I can think about is the cage, which feels erotic as hell.  It's a vicious cycle that does, eventually, calm down.

I put the cage on Saturday, then set up the automated keyholder function on Keysafe.org on Sunday.  That commitment passed yesterday, but I did not unlock.  I really want to go a week before removing it and cleaning everything.  That will be a HUGE milestone for me.  Depending on how things look when I take it off, I may decide to continue the experiment.

No, I have no idea where this is going.

But so far it's been fun, and for the first time since starting to learn about this topic, I'm able to participate "for real" without unduly impacting my life.  This opens up all sorts of opportunities.  That makes me happy.

One more experiment when I get home.  More on that later.

Sleeping and Running

Last night was tougher than others so far.  I woke up three times with a crushed erection and an extreme desire to pee.  So I waited ten minutes or so for the pressure to decrease, took care of the bathroom tasks, and went back to sleep.  There was no pain, and the pressure did pass, but three times in one night is unusual.  I remember that days three through five are the toughest, and I'm on day four.  So... there you go.  I suspect that this will pass.

On a really positive note, though, I ran 6.5 miles this morning.  Again, the dangly bits are a bit sore from being ignored for so long, now a definite blue.  So there was some slight discomfort at the beginning.  By the end of the run, though, everything was just fine, and I hardly noticed that I was wearing the device.  The running issue seems to be solved.

When I tried to stretch after the run, though, one of my preferred positions -- somewhat akin to a pretzel made out of tangled legs -- is not doable with the device on.  I just get crushed.  But there are alternatives that I can use to get the same effect.

Another day locked, and things seem to be going well.  Much better, in fact, than I anticipated.  Maybe I should start looking into getting a secure keysafe?

Pressure Starting to Build

I had to make a trip in a car today, and sitting in the seat was uncomfortable after a while.  The seats in that car are not exactly °bucket seats,° but they are individually formed and tend to hold the thighs together.  As my dangly bits get tender from lack of attention (one might even describe them as turning blue) I have started to notice such things.

Yes, the fruit is starting to ripen, and for someone who is used to relief every day, that's a tough thing to get used to.  I don't know if that will change the nighttime experience, but I'm about to find out.  Other aches, deeper still, are beginning.  That may be just as much of a distraction, eventually, but for now it's actually quite pleasant.

I have to say that I'm pretty pleased to have come this far with so little negative effects.  The new device really seems to be a game changer.  I'm really thinking that I'd like to make it a week and overcome all the previous barriers.  It's odd, though, being locked with nobody holding the key... empty, I suppose.  Oh, well... on with the experiment, then I can worry about the rest later.

Another Big Leap

Well, now I've done it.  This is what happens when you go and get all cocky.  Okay, maybe that's an unfortunate word for it.  Over confident might be better.

I got a call today and am going to see clients for two days.  I've been locked in the Holy Trainer since it arrived on Saturday with no negative side effects so far, and that includes running and sleeping.  So what the hell.

I turned "authorization" for release over to the automated feature (called Strict Mistress) at Keysafe.org.  I've authorized a couple of Dommes to make tweaks to the conditions, so I'll find out more about how all that works.  But the guardrails of the experience are pretty well set.

Obviously, I'm taking a key with me, so it's all honor system.  I'm not stupid and am very much still in experimental mode.  But I'm the one driving all this, so I'm the only one I can disappoint.

The emotionally difficult days (three through six) are just coming up, so I need to be able to get out of real trouble if it comes to that.  (Pardon the pun.)  For instance, if I'm still awake in a sexual frenzy at 2:00 a.m. with an important meeting in the morning, priorities shift to getting the job done for the client.  This is a very interesting sexual diversion, but at the moment it's just a game.

So, committing to as much as three more days locked up (though Strict Mistress has the final say) and hitting the road.  That's a huge step.  As of tomorrow morning I will have met my current record for length of time continuously locked up.  If I make it to this milestone, I'll have to decide if I go for a week.  Wouldn't that be cool?  More?  I wonder if my motivation would hold out?

When I put the device on last Saturday afternoon, it was just for a "test fit."  This is some incredible "test fit."  I wonder what it will turn into, ultimately?

Holy crap... I may have to get the prostrate massage tool out when I get back.  Eeeeep!

First Run

I made it through another night wearing the Holy Trainer 2.  Yes, I had another nocturnal "event," but as with the first time, it was not painful and I was able to get through it.  Twice.

This morning was another milestone regarding an impossibility with the CB series of devices:  running.  I need to run, or stop eating.  Running is preferable.  So if a device cannot be worn while running, then it's of little use to me.  (I'd love to find one that allowed distance cycling, but unfettered male equipment in general is borderline on that score, so it's a lot to ask.)

Of course, shorts are important, so I wore the baggiest I have.  I also kept the route to four miles to start... will work up to more through the week.  But it was fine.  I can't put it any other way.  I could feel it, but there wasn't a lot of rubbing or pulling, so the compactness of the thing pays off again.  It was even a faster run that I've had in a couple of weeks.

We'll see if there is any bruising or other negative impacts, but I doubt there will be.  It simply wasn't a big deal.

So, more excuses by the wayside.

There are two more hurdles to get over with regard to longer-term wear:
1)  "Keeping fluids moving," for lack of a better term, and
2)  the emotional impacts of long-term wear.  This is soon to become the difficult and interesting part, I think.

Only two days in on this experiment, but my record for wear is three days without removal.  That is starting to look ridiculously short.  Wait... did I just say that?  Good thing nobody reads this blog.

First Night

Well, last night was certainly a milestone.  I went out with the Holy Trainer still on and was fine all evening, even though there was some bicycle riding involved.  Absolutely NOT time trialing, mind you, but casual path riding at slow pace to get to dinner.  Not a problem.

The real news is that I kept the device on over night.  It was no problem getting to sleep, and I woke up around 5:00 a.m. very aroused.  But NOT in pain!  That's a HUGE milestone.  The fact that I could feel the hydraulics trying to do their thing and not NOT having my equipment ripped from my body was a new sensation.  I'm not saying it was entirely pleasant, but I was well assured -- for the first time wearing a device in this situation -- that no actual damage was being done to my body.

As a side note, I'm also able to use a urinal, something that's impossible with the CB series.  There's so much room in the tube with the CB design that the fluid flows all over the place inside before seeking every exit -- including out the back -- under pressure.  It's a mess.  With the HT, though, everything is snug and in place, so the critical exit point is lined up with the hole in the end of the device.  It's like not wearing anything.

I'm kind of stuck at home today waiting for a delivery for which I must sign, but if I can go for a run in the morning without removing the HT, then this could be the device I've been looking for, a real game changer.

But then all of my excuses will be gone.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Excited and terrified at the same time.  I think how I feel at any given moment has a lot to do with the person I imagine handing control of my keys.

More to come soon.

New Toy!

My problems with the CB-6000 are well documented here, but the most significant have been:  cracking of the plastic during extended wear, bulk and fit while participating in endurance sports, and inability to keep the device on during a nocturnal erection.  These problems limited the usefulness of the device for being locked up by someone who controls the key.  So the emotional connection that chastity can provide was not really possible.

About a week ago, based on a friend's good experiences, I ordered a Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.  It seems to be a significant leap forward in design and construction over previous "trapped ball" devices.  All of the reviews pointed towards a wearable and durable device that was hygienic and comfortable for long-term wear.  The device arrived today.  Yes, I'm wearing it now. 

My first impression is that it is very much more comfortable than the CB line, mostly because the ring that keeps it on (which fits snug against the torso) is a single piece that is curved to be anatomically correct.  This means it can be smaller in diameter and still not pinch, bind, or cut off blood circulation.  The plastic feels much sturdier which allows the material of the ring to be thinner, too.  I understand it is at least as durable as the CBs, though, so maybe the cracking problem is solved.  There may still be a "break in" period, but I suspect not as much as I'm accustomed to... that can sometimes take a week.  But if the comfort holds up, I'll try to run in it, a huge barrier currently to extended wear.

The tube is much smaller than the CB, which is a great thing for profile and comfort.  I'm wearing an old pair of jeans, and where the CB would have been bulky and in the way, the HT is just slightly in the way.  I can almost completely close my legs together before I feel it.

I'll have to wear it for a bit before I really understand its strengths and weaknesses, and it could take weeks of tweaking to really get the hang of it.  Only time will tell if I can make it through difficult nights in this thing, but some reviewers say that the design makes this possible.

This is the first time I've felt like I have even the slightest chance of being locked up for more than two or three days.  That is making me consider what I really want out of a relationship with a Keyholder and how long I really want to give up control.  I am finding as I sit here, though, that I am wishing the keys were not in my hands.  That's truly frightening.  And hot.  And frightening.  And hot.

I'm sure there will be more posts soon.  Life is a journey, and I'm enjoying this part of mine.

Asides and Experiments

I've been locking myself up more often, trying to get used to wearing my CB for longer periods of time.  The intent has been to get to the point that I can wear it long term.  The actual wearing has been successful so far, but that is mostly just an aside.

The Aside

I have learned that anatomically, I'm not ideal for this sort of thing.  It can be done, it's just not easy.  My "range of states" is quite broad, so flaccid to erect is about a 6x growth in length and 2x in diameter.  When nature kicks off that process, it becomes a hydraulic nightmare trapped in a flimsy plastic container.  Comfort in one state is incompatible with the other.

At the same time, experiments with base ring sizes -- the part that goes snug against the torso and keeps the whole kit in place -- shows that small and medium-sized rings cut off nourishing blood flow from the dangly bits.  I need a larger ring.  This means that the whole contraption is less snug and more able to slide in ways that are painful.  Ow.  This would explain why I have such problems with nocturnal wear.

Feature Functionality

Just for kicks, I've been using a site called keysafe.  This has a set of features to allow keyholders and device wearers to interact with varying levels of control over locking mechanisms.  The control spans from "honor system" to safes that are connected to the Internet and report any tampering or unauthorized access.  It's a very hot idea.

One feature is designed for wearers without a keyholder, I suspect a majority of the site's users.  This is a virtual keyholder who will provide authority over your key according to parameters you set at any level of security including full control of your automated safe.  One parameter is whether or not other site users can vote for the virtual keyholder to increase or decrease your time locked.

Experience

I decided to lock myself away and turn authority over to the virtual keyholder.  A couple of hours later, someone I never met voted to increase my time locked.  Then someone else did the same thing.  And another.  These are people I have never interacted with, don't know, and can't even tell much about from their profiles.  It was both self-professed "Dominants" and a locked guy, too.  No comments, no introductions, no explanation, just voting to increase.

To say that I was scratching my head over this is understating.  I finally posted a note asking if this was the site's way of saying "hello."  One person responded that, hey, yeah, I guess it is.  I mean... WHAT?!

Verification

There is another feature of the site that verifies that accounts claiming to be women really are women.  (Apparently, they do this via a one-time video chat.)  As anyone who has been around online D/s knows, most "Dommes" -- particularly those demanding money -- are men, so this is a welcome feature.  But very few of the female profiles on the site are verified.

This begs the question:  if someone expects me to go through the discomfort and discipline and annoyance of being locked up, why can't they take a moment to get verified?  One answer is obvious:  they're not who they say they are and couldn't pass even the lowest verification bar.  But if they are who they present, then it's even worse... they can't be bothered.  So why even consider them to be "Dominant?"

Next Steps

I'm still interested in learning and playing with this, but there are a few things running through my mind:
1)  The fantasy of months-long lockup is not my cup of tea.  Days to build up frustration for a bonding experience, and I'm all in.  Denial just for the sake of it would have to have a very serious relationship layer to make it worth while.  And there are negative health issues with long-term lockup.
2)  The relationship is everything.  I can see being in a power-only relationship to some extent, but the control of sexuality and containment of neediness along with the desperate vulnerability it brings speaks to a bond, not just a manipulation.
3)  There is another device I may try before long to see if the limitations mentioned above are device-specific or can be overcome with better design.
4)  Unfortunately, I'll be doing some traveling for a while.  At least at first, I won't be able to be locked up a lot.  The schedule is unclear, but this is an unforeseen wrinkle.  I'm sure I'll roll with it somehow.

So, more learning and more figuring out.  This is a nice and private way to experiment and play.  I've even met some people who may be interested in something a little more real-time.  Oh, no... not real!  Haha.

Rant on Writing

Sloppiness in writing is just another way to say "I want each and every reader to fix the mistakes that I'm too lazy to notice or correct."  Either that or it's the author's way to say "I want the world to know how ignorant I am and I want to make a permanent record of that fact."

The three most common mistakes in writing -- including captioning -- and how to fix them:

"Woman" is a single individual (singular); "women" is more than one (plural).

"Dominate" is an action (verb) where something is being done, such as "she liked to dominate her subs."  "Dominant" is either a description (adjective) such as "she has dominant tendencies" or a title / address (noun) such as "she is a dominant."

An apostrophe is NEVER used to make something plural (meaning more than one).  "She has three sub's" is wrong, Wrong, WRONG!!!  "She has three subs."  An apostrophe shows ownership.  "Her sub's attitude is nice."  (Attitude is something that belongs to the sub.)

If those three very simple rules were followed (even if the few exceptions were missed), the quality of writing on The Internet would go up dramatically.  It really isn't hard.  Three rules.  Just three.  Of course, one must care about readers and have some self respect to care about such things.

END RANT (for now)


Note:  Cross-posted on Tumblr.

Old Yearnings, New Forrays

I've mentioned chastity so many times that both of my readers are likely getting tired of it.  If this describes you (or you, the other reader) then you might as well tune out now.  And not just for this post.  I'll be talking a bit about this for a while.

You see, I'm diving into a medium-scale experiment to dig deeper into what this is all about.  I've gone four to five days locked up in my CB-6000 before, and I do enjoy the emotional roller coaster, the sexual frustration, and the intensity of the drawn-out experience.  It's not something I'd like forever, mind you, but for a time, it's exciting.  There are aspects and angles I want to dive MUCH deeper on.

Solving Problems

There have been barriers in the past, and I'm searching for ways beyond them.  Some items I have had trouble dealing with in "the real world" -- and which never seem to come up in fantasy portrayals -- include:

Sleeping

Eventually nocturnal "activity" wakes me up in extreme agony.  This has threatened enough damage to sensitive orbs that I've called it off for this alone.  I'm trying a smaller ring to see if that helps keep things where they belong.

Exercise

I'm a cyclist and a runner.  Wearing a cage can be difficult for running, nearly impossible for cycling.  Since I'm a Time Trialist, the flat-back position is a non-starter for wearing anything "down there."  But I'm not riding much these days.  If I keep to running, wearing a device may be something that I can be acclimatized to over time.  I will have to give up the customary triathlon shorts for running since they hide NOTHING.

General Lifestyle

Having to sit down to urinate can be limiting since men's bathrooms are not set up for this.  Often there's only one stall, so it can be difficult to navigate the day.  Good thing I kicked the caffeine habit so I don't need to go fifteen times a day.

Shaving smooth and wearing a ring that holds everything in place is step one, and I'm already past that.  I'm test wearing the CB right now, increasing the time each day.  My hope is that in a couple of weeks I can stay locked up all day and night.  Then things start getting more interesting.

Next Steps

I'm looking around for a key safe.  If you aren't aware of how this works, the wearer of a chastity device puts the keys in a safe that can only be opened with remote permission.  The mechanism for this can vary, from needing the 8-digit combination, to someone else actually triggering the electromechanical locking mechanism via a command over the internet.  There are varying degrees of security, from viewing through a webcam to light, motion, and tamper sensors built into the safe.  Of course, the cost varies along with the sophistication and security; $50 to almost $600.  I'm playing at the $50 level right now.

The web site http://keysafe.org is where I have a profile right now, though if someone else has other options, I'd love to hear about it.  The site allows connecting with a keyholder and allowing them to control your keys (via the safe).  There are other features, too, but that's the gist.

I do want to find out more about what happens to me psychologically when I have been locked for a while.  I think I'll get very accommodating towards my keyholder.  It scares me a little thinking about the extent to which that might be true.  I'd better be careful choosing the individual to whom I turn over that power.  Haha.

I'm looking forward to this side-journey into play.  I'll keep both of you posted on how it goes and what twists and turns I go through along the way.

Self respect and being "Dominant"

Note: This is cross-posted from my journal on Collarspace.com (ID: Quietlisten). I wrote it to be deliberately incendiary to see if ANYTHING can cut through the shockingly thick matted tangle of dreck that permeates every bit of that site. I thought I'd drop it here just so I could hear from more thoughtful people. I didn't soften it to for a more rational audience, though.


--- snip ---


Do "dominants" expect submissives to respect them more than they do themselves? Many, many do. Here are a few signs of self respect:

1. Not smoking. Anyone who claims to be dominant and smokes either has no will or no brain. I'll let the individual smoker pick their excuse. Smoking is expensive suicide that damages others along the way.

2. Fitness. Eat right and exercise. Shut up with the fad diets and the excuses. Nobody is responsible for your body but you. I can tell at a glance if someone has messed-up personal priorities simply by their physical condition. What you think you're worth is reflected in your level of fitness. We all get 24 hours in a day. Some use that well. Some watch TV and eat crap.

3. Financial Security. Granted, "security" in today's world is difficult, but making stupid decisions, spending on stupid things (like cigarettes), and not building towards financial independence (i.e. saving) makes you financially dependent and subservient to others.

4. Truth. Admitting mistakes, taking responsibility, and digging for the truth sets one free from the tyranny of self deception and lying.

5. Compassion. I get that some dominants are sadistic, but being so without compassion is the definition of a sociopath.

Most "dominants" I have met are not dominant at all. In fact, many are just insecure, mean, and thoughtlessly uncompromising. They find in "the lifestyle" convenient cover for neuroses and weakness, and they prey on those who are desperate to please and may have their own psychological problems.

Why would a self-possessed, successful, and capable submissive serve someone who doesn't respect themselves? No idea. This one doesn't.

I've probably pissed off both people who will read that list. Someone may feel a need to "straighten me out" on some or all. But that won't change the facts. We all suffer temporary lapses on one or all of those points. But in my opinion, fundamentally giving up on points of self respect is equivalent to giving up on claims of being "dominant." Conquer yourself before you go after others.

I honestly wish there were more people who demonstrated more self respect.

QL